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Never say never …

I know the days have been hard. Longer than they should be in things that don’t matter, shorter than they should be in things that do.
You know I hate the weekends.
I hate what palpably divides and separates me from my desire
When half my own heart is shared with spirits and ghosts, significant lives, necessary and unavoidable

Still, they drag me away kicking and screaming from the candy isle as if I were a 4 year old throwing a temper tantrum

If it were only that simple

If it were only that simple, I’d cut across the pasture and make my way up the irrigation ditch bank
Follow it to the main road

Hitchhike the next 20 miles to town

From the 4 way stop it’s just two blocks
Gotta sneak past the bank and the furniture store. They know my folks and they’d surely tell

If I hover, just for a moment outside the door, I can wait for the cashier to turn to the next customer
Right in behind I her back I can easily make it to that first isle.

It’s the perfect plan and I’ve worked out every detail

I’m too small to be seen on the large corner mirror and that isle cannot be seen by Frank in the meat market

It’s the second shelf up
Half way down the isle
I know exactly where it is

And I can have it

I can have it and I can take all of it I want
All of it will fit in dads crew sock

I’ll wait at the corner and just like before, the instant a head is turned I’ll be out the door

Five blocks up I’ll cut back by the post office and I can already feel myself starting to breath

One more block, vacant and rundown buildings
No one will see me when I emerge on the road out of town

Hitch the first ride that comes along

I still don’t know the word fuck but I already don’t give one

I have what I want and the future doesn’t matter, where I go from here doesn’t matter, what I’ll eat, where I’ll sleep, however will I make it…none of it matters

I have what I want and all of the rest can indeed go fuck itself

It’s mine to cherish, mine to hold, mine to treasure from now on

No one and nothing can take it from me…..

If I’m left for dead in a roadside park and this is all I have .. then I have everything …
What better way to die

Fuck the world, fuck the heavens, fuck all the powers that be
Fuck the universe and all that is in it

At 57 years old my only regrets are the commitments I’ve made that stole my 4 year old soul…

It’s still about what I want
It’s still about making it mine
It’s still about striking out with no known destination

It’s still about the journey into the unknown with that one thing you cannot live without

And it’s still about planning and scheming my way towards its total possession

Yes, there is an evil at my core, a simple driving evil that life has yet to rid me of….and never will
It’s mine and I own it…

It is the power and will of self determination… and the heart to make it so

Fuck around and find out

#4 Mr
MrMrsSmith · C
I’m at #... who gives a fuck.

I’m young enough at heart and old enough in hair to know what my soul seeks. And yes... grey hairs have shown themselves to me as of late.

Why must age matter or catch up?

Why must the bicycle be ditched into the barrow pit, so we can run home and pretend we were never gone?

It’s a game of hide-and-seek... our parents taught us exactly how to play and how fun it is.

However, they never told us that the demons that we hide will seek to destroy us.

I for one, allow them think they’ve brought be to my knees with sorrowful tears. But, when they look me straight in the eye... it is my pierced world that cackles and breaks them.

~fuck them all.

❤️ Mrs

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