If words could do what words don't do
It isn't any particular word, here or there that can be found, but the overall blend and in these specific circumstances.
Blood boiling, but keeping an exterior of calm, smiling, needing to keep things under control, if I ever blow up, I better have the right word at hand.
It is good that I make more efforts here, keep practicing, for that dread day if it ever happens.
The weak and timid me doesn't want it to happen, but oh when I hear someone else speak some much needed things that have to be said, it sets my heart aflame. How electrifying it must be to do that yourself!!
But after 40 plus years of subjugation, the boat has passed, and this route isn't used anymore.
A shadow of a speaker, even with a keyboard, just useless.
It's better to keep the peace, and explore the acidic sentiments to myself and all of you who read these paltry attempts, made on the cuff.
I can never fully paint the picture here, and basically it's nothing out of the ordinary I bet, a lot of you have it worse than me, living with those who you could definitely claim to be the most annoying persons ever to have lived.
Part of the annoyance is that it's simply how they are, and if you were to reveal themselves to you, they wouldn't even recognize themselves.
Errors being made per second, all comfortable in cozy lies, delusions the very fabric of things.
Am I setting myself up as a paragon of Virtue by denouncing him? It's not my intent, I wish to be unflinchingly truthful by exposing my own shortcomings, not just the inability of speaking my truth from a lifetime of not being able to say anything that second guesses what is deemed sacred.
It's not the belief itself I rage against, it's that particular version of it, that so nauseates me, but also yes the official belief, the highest version of which is the opposite of actionable thought, it all hinges on what is beyond your power.
I reject what is oh so assuredly thought that I champion in this household, but it is my hope that by refusing ever again to espouse belief centered sentiments, that false view of me would evaporate.
I am sickened to death by inaccurate summations of things, grouping radically different kinds of teachers together, an absolute cluelessness, words at this point would be an offense to the situation, it is beyond words, of setting things straight, it is rather about time to live the way that means something to you, and stop feeding the error machine, which is way out of hand, gone berserk.
I am finally alone as I write this, not gonna vocaroo anything like I promised, what would be the point of pinpointing any highlights when they only shine when compared to everything else, I don't have time to give ample context to things.
But this was an excellent wake period, and I hope to get better at expressing the inexpressible, for mere words in their own context to have an effect that could change minds, outlooks or just some successions of thinking for a portion of time.
For that to happen here, in this home would be like as likely as time travel, or floating in mid air, mighty unlikely.
Part of what I most want to convey in these posts is that the more bitter and dark I get the closer it comes to what may be called my truth.
To show an insidious irony at play at every second in reality, how you'd have to be nuts to choose to live in it, but since there's no choice, you are bewildered at how to put the simplest things into words, how to say what's really on your mind, it's never been a simple thing for me. And to know dear reader that the closer I get to accuracy, the closer I get to a sense of deep fulfillment, of genuine satisfaction.
Blood boiling, but keeping an exterior of calm, smiling, needing to keep things under control, if I ever blow up, I better have the right word at hand.
It is good that I make more efforts here, keep practicing, for that dread day if it ever happens.
The weak and timid me doesn't want it to happen, but oh when I hear someone else speak some much needed things that have to be said, it sets my heart aflame. How electrifying it must be to do that yourself!!
But after 40 plus years of subjugation, the boat has passed, and this route isn't used anymore.
A shadow of a speaker, even with a keyboard, just useless.
It's better to keep the peace, and explore the acidic sentiments to myself and all of you who read these paltry attempts, made on the cuff.
I can never fully paint the picture here, and basically it's nothing out of the ordinary I bet, a lot of you have it worse than me, living with those who you could definitely claim to be the most annoying persons ever to have lived.
Part of the annoyance is that it's simply how they are, and if you were to reveal themselves to you, they wouldn't even recognize themselves.
Errors being made per second, all comfortable in cozy lies, delusions the very fabric of things.
Am I setting myself up as a paragon of Virtue by denouncing him? It's not my intent, I wish to be unflinchingly truthful by exposing my own shortcomings, not just the inability of speaking my truth from a lifetime of not being able to say anything that second guesses what is deemed sacred.
It's not the belief itself I rage against, it's that particular version of it, that so nauseates me, but also yes the official belief, the highest version of which is the opposite of actionable thought, it all hinges on what is beyond your power.
I reject what is oh so assuredly thought that I champion in this household, but it is my hope that by refusing ever again to espouse belief centered sentiments, that false view of me would evaporate.
I am sickened to death by inaccurate summations of things, grouping radically different kinds of teachers together, an absolute cluelessness, words at this point would be an offense to the situation, it is beyond words, of setting things straight, it is rather about time to live the way that means something to you, and stop feeding the error machine, which is way out of hand, gone berserk.
I am finally alone as I write this, not gonna vocaroo anything like I promised, what would be the point of pinpointing any highlights when they only shine when compared to everything else, I don't have time to give ample context to things.
But this was an excellent wake period, and I hope to get better at expressing the inexpressible, for mere words in their own context to have an effect that could change minds, outlooks or just some successions of thinking for a portion of time.
For that to happen here, in this home would be like as likely as time travel, or floating in mid air, mighty unlikely.
Part of what I most want to convey in these posts is that the more bitter and dark I get the closer it comes to what may be called my truth.
To show an insidious irony at play at every second in reality, how you'd have to be nuts to choose to live in it, but since there's no choice, you are bewildered at how to put the simplest things into words, how to say what's really on your mind, it's never been a simple thing for me. And to know dear reader that the closer I get to accuracy, the closer I get to a sense of deep fulfillment, of genuine satisfaction.
46-50, M