I Need Help

I need help, more now than ever. The problem is that I don't want help. I'm exhausted, mentally and physically. Getting better is hard work, and I don't have it in me. Everyone I've reached out to gives the same advice: "You need to find someone you can talk to, someone who can help you." That's pretty much the reason for reaching out to you. It's easier said than done, especially when you have money and/or insurance. I don't know how someone can be an adult and still not see that the system is rigged against certain people. Some people can't be helped. It's not a movie or TV show. We don't get to write how it ends. There was a time when I wanted help, and I tried to get it. I've been told that I didn't look in the right place, or I didn't try hard enough. I don't know what's wrong with my brain, and I don't even know how to describe it. Whatever it is, it's really severe. I feel disconnected from reality. My emotions are extreme, and they happen randomly without reason. It's like my brain is malfunctioning, reacting to things that aren't happening. I'm scared, I'm paranoid, I'm angry, and I'm miserable. I think I've experienced some type of "break." I've been using pills to function, but I'm still spending 12+ hours each day sleeping or staring at the wall. There are only a few people with whom I'm in frequent contact, and one sees me as nothing more than an inconvenience. She would prefer me dead. I live with her. The other two are my parents, and their best advice is to "go see the pastor." I'm not religious. I will not be going to see a pastor. This is the end of my rope. I've been trying so hard to get back to when I was happy and hopeful, but the past stays in the past. It is what it is, guys. There's not always a solution. This is reality.