The draw to make a post to get a nuisance and the stress attached to it is strong.

But I won’t because what’s the point really? The last post I made about him brought a ton of pity my way, even though each comment was heartfelt and made me feel “seen”.

The deal is I want him to see me. To hear me. To not choose himself for once, but that’ll never come to be. I know that. I’ve accepted that.

So, instead of being in his presence today as he lies around the house watching cartoons and playing video games, I’m going to venture out to feel something other than what he can’t help but emit. And I’m not fond of that as it’s colder than a witch’s titty out there and people will end up being people. But as he chooses what’s best for him, I also have to choose what’s best for me. And today that’s sunshine, the road, and possibly one more peppermint hot chocolate from my favorite coffee house.

As I conquered the battle of my life this year another battle comes to try to protect it the best I can. To say I’m mentally and even physically exhausted to still be on-guard after enduring what I have would be an understatement. I…I just want to be cared for, man. Or at least given the opportunity to care for myself properly. I’m not sure that’s in the cards for me though. Not in this chapter anyway. Maybe the next one. …maybe that’s how it’ll begin. One can hope.



*I know it still sounds like a post about him, but it’s not. It’s about me finding the clarity in the rage of the moment that was overwhelming to me.