Mass firings possible as federal shutdown looms. Why not embrace change? Who should be on the short list?

Photo above - The Simpsons, Season 7, Episode 7. Homer demonstrates a variety of techniques to feign productivity while working from home.

Let me admit – right from the start – that I don’t expect the mass firings (if they even happen) to make the tiniest dent in the national debt. It will be like a rounding error (less than 0.01%). So why are we even paying any attention to this, if it serves no greater purpose? Americans of all kinds – government workers, the homeless, substance addicts, teachers, first responders, voters in general – we are ALL just bargaining chips to career politicians who are scrambling to get re-elected again and again.

But “thousands of federal workers are terrified” that they might lose their jobs. (see link below). Nobody is terrified that housing might become LESS affordable as the national debt soars, or that colleges continue to churn out students with irrelevant degrees who are functionally illiterate. Probably a few people are worried that defunding the police (and FBI, and ICE and homeland security) is going to result in more random shootings. Probably a few people are hoping this happens, as a way to get elected to a vulnerable senate seat.

Let’s focus on the practical aspects of mass government firings, instead of the metaphysical ones. Imagine you were in charge of making a “short list” of people to be fired. (Full disclosure – I have been asked to help with this question a few times in the corporate world). Here are my recommendations, based on experience.

1 – First in line – anyone with excessive absenteeism and no bonafide medical situation. This is probably the single biggest tranche of headcount that could be cut at every government level. Most federal, state, and local workers behave like they cannot be fired unless they commit a felony. Absenteeism, insubordination, and petty theft are off the menu as disciplinary triggers. Let’s start with these smirking wisenheimers.

2 – Those defying repeated “back to the office” mandates. This applies equally to government and private sector workers. Especially if they have skills which mesh nicely with side hustles: coders, supply chain managers, attorneys, property management, accounting . . . it’s unbelievable how much time these people spend on their second laptop generating their second income, while clocked in. It is important to keep both laptops side by side so you can respond to work emails/texts, attend zoom meetings, etc. and convince everyone that are on the job.

3 – Vacant positions. Most people have no idea how lucrative this target is for savings. Any position which has been vacant for longer than 90 days should be eliminated. If you don’t do this, the manager protecting that vacant position will sooner or later fritter it away by hiring a friend, relative, or relative of his/her superiors in the chain of the command. That is the reason that cube is vacant in the first place. The incumbent didn’t do anything vital, and neither will the successor.

4 – Anything the private sector does with a larger workforce, and for less money. This is a mind boggling array of jobs. Federal gas stations and attendants for government issued vehicles. Janitorial and trash removal services. Couriers for non-top-secret documents and package delivery. Systems/web management. If you balk at this last one, ask yourself why government agencies get hacked MUCH MORE often than private sector databases. The difference is that the government doesn’t tell us about those events, because they’re not required to. My mom's local library was hacked and held up for $1 million ransom. The administrators tried to keep it a secret. (Resolution - no ransom was paid and the files were rebuilt over 90 days by the same "experts" who allowed the intrusion in the first place)

Okay, if your job appears as part of any of the above items, you probably should be “terrified”, as the article frets. But in reality, don’t worry. There won’t be any mass terminations. Both sides will strike a deal this week, because this is all a kabuki play, and the end game is public perceptions and votes.

Remember, we are all just pawns.

I’m just sayin’ . . .


Federal Workers Brace for Mass Firings as Shutdown Looms