Geico gecko rushed to undisclosed location following death threats

Photo above - Martin, the iconic Geico gecko, is on hiatus after shell casings were found near his terrarium inscribed with the words ‘remove tail”, “freeze-dry”, and “dispose”.

Okay, let me be the first to say it. Who HASN’T wanted to squash that annoying little lizard with the obnoxious accent?

In my case, I have a special reason. A year ago the windshield in my Kia developed an 18-inch crack. I took it to Safelite, and they submitted an insurance claim. WTH!!!! I have a $500 deductible for busted windshields. I just about lost my mind.

I actually DID think about taking a bus to New York City, using fake ID to check into a hostel where they put 3 transients in each room, and renting an E-bike. But then someone told me that Geico’s main office was actually in Cincinnati. No way am I taking the bus all the way out there. The Bengals are 4-8, and quarterback Joe Burrow is certain to be traded in the offseason.

Anyway, I’d never actually squash a gecko. (I might run over a Burmese python. Florida pays a bounty by the foot.) When my windshield appeal was denied, I wrote insurance commissioner Mike Yaworsky. One of his assistants replied that the commissioner is too busy fishing to read crank mail, but that if I’d wanted complete glass protection with no deductible, I could have paid extra and gotten that when I signed up.

Even though I’m a fan of original intent, and believe that most lawyers, politicians, and corporate executives should be jailed 24/7 on general principle, I do NOT endorse gunning them down in the street. Or squashing them.

And I don’t find it funny that left wing maniacs are cheering en masse, and posting “kill all the insurance executives” on social media. But these nutjobs are probably just drug addled DoorDash drivers. They should stop and consider – would THEY want to be gunned down just for arriving late, and bringing me cold chicken quesadillas and a Cherry Pepsi instead of a Mountain Dew Baja Blast?

I’m just sayin’ . . .