President Biden congratulates US soccer team on World Cup performance
President Joe Biden, back from his Thanksgiving vacay at some billionare's mansion, and the state dinner for French President Macaroon, today congratulated the US Men's National Team on a “fine performance” at the Qatar World Cup/anti LBGT soccer championship.
“I understand we only lost today's match by 2 points – which is just outstanding” - he noted to the press. “We tied Wales – and England – defeated Iran, averting a world war, and ultimately lost to the Netherlands. A nation the size of New Jersey. To put this in perspective, the US team has never defeated New Jersey, either."
The US men's world cup team has actually NEVER progressed beyond “round 2” in in over 50 years. Despite pouring billions into MLS, Women's MLS, College Soccer scholarships, construction of thousands of high school soccer fields. (This is really true. The rest of this news report is a satire)
“We were looking forward to testing our mettle against the emerging 2022 World Cup powerhouses – Morocco, Senegal, and Croatia” the president continued, “but our performance is good enough. I ask all US fans to please transfer their allegiance to France in their upcoming match against Poland tomorrow. And remember to buy some Brie cheese and baguettes to serve at home during the game. No Kielbasa, please.”
When asked if he intended to run for re-election in 2024, Biden deflected the question, first noting that “I feel pretty old and tired, like butter scraped thinly across too much bread”, then an aide held up a placard, which prompted the president to add “But we still have important work to do, to ensure the fascist republican party never again holds any responsibility in America. Vote against Herschel Walker, who beats his girlfriends and dogs. Boo, Hershel"
Asked if the USA would consider granting asylum to Iranian Soccer players, who have been threatened by their government with torture and death for singing their national anthem off key, President Biden scoffed. “Look, if we kept silent when Iranian morality police beat that girl to death for wearing her head scarf incorrectly, do you honestly think I'm going to risk World War 3 over a bunch of soccer players who may – or may not – be tortured? Let's just wait and see what happens, okay? It's not like they're women in Iran, with no rights.”
“I understand we only lost today's match by 2 points – which is just outstanding” - he noted to the press. “We tied Wales – and England – defeated Iran, averting a world war, and ultimately lost to the Netherlands. A nation the size of New Jersey. To put this in perspective, the US team has never defeated New Jersey, either."
The US men's world cup team has actually NEVER progressed beyond “round 2” in in over 50 years. Despite pouring billions into MLS, Women's MLS, College Soccer scholarships, construction of thousands of high school soccer fields. (This is really true. The rest of this news report is a satire)
“We were looking forward to testing our mettle against the emerging 2022 World Cup powerhouses – Morocco, Senegal, and Croatia” the president continued, “but our performance is good enough. I ask all US fans to please transfer their allegiance to France in their upcoming match against Poland tomorrow. And remember to buy some Brie cheese and baguettes to serve at home during the game. No Kielbasa, please.”
When asked if he intended to run for re-election in 2024, Biden deflected the question, first noting that “I feel pretty old and tired, like butter scraped thinly across too much bread”, then an aide held up a placard, which prompted the president to add “But we still have important work to do, to ensure the fascist republican party never again holds any responsibility in America. Vote against Herschel Walker, who beats his girlfriends and dogs. Boo, Hershel"
Asked if the USA would consider granting asylum to Iranian Soccer players, who have been threatened by their government with torture and death for singing their national anthem off key, President Biden scoffed. “Look, if we kept silent when Iranian morality police beat that girl to death for wearing her head scarf incorrectly, do you honestly think I'm going to risk World War 3 over a bunch of soccer players who may – or may not – be tortured? Let's just wait and see what happens, okay? It's not like they're women in Iran, with no rights.”
31-35, F
