The view after being seen by 9 different doctors in a short amount of time just to finally get paired with the right group to help guide you forward.

The mental exhaustion is real as the information overload hit its limit. The physical exhaustion having me convinced if I drop my shoulders for a second I will completely melt into a pile of goo. But it’s the emotional exhaustion that’ll take the longest to recover from as doctor after doctor reacted with an urgency that I had encountered before, but not back to back to back while already being in such a fragile emotional state. One doctor had to ensure that I knew of the prognosis here because I was oddly upbeat. I softened my voice, leaned in, and explained to him for his own assurance that I knew of the severity of my condition, but that there was no point in letting it consume my sanity at the moment because the world still demands things from me…and I still demand some things from myself as well. Living in doom while I’m still able to function as a somewhat normal human would be wasteful on so many levels. Simply put I’m still here. I’m not going to waste that gift. He respected that.

I have two upcoming appointments…one with what will be my surgical team and one with an oncologist who specializes in my type of cancer. Both of them are hours away but it’s worth the drive to finally feel like I’ve found my team. I’m currently awaiting appointments for scans and bloodwork because despite the urgency, insurance companies and hospitals still have to get on the same page with requests being given. And that’s always been the biggest hangup in the past dealing with all of this. But this team isn’t going to let me fall through the cracks like others have done in the past. They’re adamant on not being a contributor to the fall of me, especially after hearing my journey so far. So I know the appointments will come that’ll test my claustrophobia, but I know given the late hour none of the appointments will be for tomorrow. Which means I’m about to have a weekend that’s…I can’t even form the words here…unencumbered comes to mind though. Along with peaceful. Not rushed. Uneventful. And I’m ready for it. My pain here and there is manageable. I embarked on a solo drive to gain some confidence and to help ease my anxiety. However I’m very aware of my limitations. I’m slower than my 90 to nothing pace I’m used to and I have to be mindful of my movements and even expressions that can trigger a flare up of pain-induced anxiety. I’m not as normal as I was a couple of weeks ago per se, but taking baby steps that allow me to be present without compromising the joy of the moment. Whatever works 🙂