Nothing magical these days

Happens for me on Halloween and Christmas. Halloween and day of the dead the spirit world is supposed to have the thinnest veil. I was looking forward to something magical and supernatural happening like seeing my grandparents again or a positive good spell coming true.i never want the negative scary stuff or anything evil at all. I don’t practice witchcraft personally as I don’t want to unnerve my family. They mostly don’t believe in such stuff but think even attempting to try is not a good idea. This is why I love Salem MA I feel like I can be myself there. A town that has a tourist season based around witchcraft, psychics, and magic and where people believe in it at least some do. I feel besides the freezing climate I belong there. Eccentrics are welcome. I know there are others like me who believe in the spiritual and paranormal. They aren’t diagnosed schizophrenics. I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia which makes me feel miserable. If I never had psychosis back three years ago I would have never been labeled an adult schizophrenic. Well I suppose I’m childish but I still believe in the unexplained aspects of life. I feel like I often have to hide that part of myself . I take anti psychotic and anti depressant medication every day and know one of my conditions of being relatively free so to speak is to take my medication religiously. I guess I subscribe to magical thinking. Yet I never stopped believing in magic and the spirit world. And I miss my grandparents my mothers parents even though I was not as close to them as I should have been. They were far from perfect but they were my grandparents. I grew closer to my grandmother after the death of my grandfather when she eventually came to live with my parents and me and my sister. My grandparents were not the greatest parents to my mother and uncle when they were younger but my mother and uncle thought they did the best they could with what they knew how. I realize my grandparents did love their children and grandchildren in their own way. My dads parents are still alive and healthy. But I do believe spirits live on after death and watch over their loved ones. Some people may call me delusional and superstitious but I truly believe in life after death and ghosts. I believe in the paranormal ( such as mythological creatures and so on). I believe in the gods and goddesses. I also believe in God as well. I have faith that magic and the “ paranormal” which to me is just as real and normal as the material, natural world is there. Many people believe this and are not schizophrenic. I am a diagnosed schizophrenic which kills me inside but it is what it is. Spirituality has always been an intrinsic part of who I am whether or not I believed in organized religion. I don’t practice anything or observe days like Samhain or Yule unfortunately but someday I would like to. I am a blend of monotheistic and polytheistic spiritual paths. Also add animism and pantheism to them and I suppose I have a hybrid belief system taken from many faiths.