Climate Activists Cork Highland Haggis, Accidentally Launch First Scottish Mammal into Space
In a bold new effort to tackle climate change, activist group Stop the Trumps has been going around the Highlands inserting eco friendly corks up the backsides of wild haggis in a bid to curb greenhouse gas emissions and “patch the ozone faster than a Fife roofer armed with more auxiliary pinkies than he’s willing to explain.”
The plan, while noble in theory, has backfired, quite literally. Unable to expel their natural methane build up, hundreds of haggis have started inflating like furry beach balls, with several now seen drifting skyward across the glens. One witness described it as “like the Macy’s Day Parade, but hairier and one rogue thistle away from catastrophe.”
But things took a cosmic turn yesterday when one corked haggis bypassed the stratosphere entirely, and successfully docked, via impact, with the International Space Station.
Dubbed Tim Peake Pressure, the historic haggis was rescued and de-corked by confused astronauts, only for a catastrophic chain reaction to occur. According to baffled crew aboard the station, “one minute we were running a routine satellite check, the next, we were surrounded by compressed Highland regret.”
Engineers estimate that due to the unique digestive system of the wild haggis, which features four fermentation chambers and a spite fuelled gut biome, just three days of being corked led to a gas build up equivalent to 27 years of normal emissions. Upon de-corking Tim Peake Pressure, the release instantly displaced the station’s oxygen supply, leaving the cabin atmosphere at “90% tartan grade arse vapour.”
NASA has since issued an international warning against “unauthorised haggis propulsion,” and has requested all future eco measures undergo what they call “the Wind Test.” Meanwhile, Stop the Trumps has paused operations, pending a full review and the recovery of several other corked specimens now in low orbit. One was last seen drifting over Norway, “visibly swelling with every rotation of the Earth.” As for Tim Peake Pressure, he's now back on Earth, and being classed as a biohazard. Scientists say his methane levels may hold the key to clean energy, or, at the very least, a new class of non lethal crowd dispersal.
