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How do you deal with the constant memories?

When I was younger my mom abused me and called it spanking. There were a few times It's was so bad I couldn't catch my breath to cry. Apparently she thought if I wasn't crying she wasn't doing it hard enough. More than once my sister saved me from the worst happening.

In the early 1980s only "rich" people had air conditioning and our neighborhood was decidedly poor. So everyone just had windows open. It was obvious when someone was getting it. When we met at the bus stop or play ground we would sometimes talk about it. Asking if each other was ok and swapping war stories. A lot of times the conversation would shift from painful experiences to funny embarrassing stories. We always ended up laughing and feeling better by the end.

Now sometimes I have dreams of what my mom did to me. Other times it's just a sound or a word that can trigger it. And it's like I'm stuck back in my childhood feeling like I'm in my room alone with no one to talk to nursing my wounds.

So I come here. The closest thing I have to the bus stop to talk to the others in the same boat. I've met a few people on here that I have chatted with for hours. I wish I could say every interaction was a good one. But I count being ignored a good day. I've been attacked so many times on here sometimes I leave for months until I can't take the solitude anymore and come back.

I've tried talking to SOs about it and they all just seem to think I'm overreacting and being dramatic. They yell at their kids and I get instant anxiety. Their kids cry and I get nauseous. Everytime I sense she's about to attack her kids I step in and protect the kids from the same abuse I suffered. This has resulted in them breaking up with me because I'm "not man enough to handle her kids." A few firm swats is OK but when I see the same rage in their eyes as my mom had I step in and try to de escalate the situation and I'm villanized for it.

I can feel myself trapped under the cold wet blanket of trauma as I write this. Between last night's dreams, and several sounds, it's been here all day today.

I wish I knew a place where I could chat where I'm not getting attacked every time I try to turn my serious memories into a light hearted chat. I really miss the bus stop

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joe438 · 61-69, M

There are plenty of people here who will chat and not attack you. I was spanked as a kid too, and it was commonplace back in the 60s. I would commiserate with my friends if they admitted to it, and take endless teasing from my sister's friends. My sister spanked me too and we later moved past that and became the best of best friends.

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Bobby1123422 · M

@joe438 same with my sister too

joe438 · 61-69, M

@Bobby1123422 My sister is 5 years older than I am, and in her teen years she had anger issues. I wanted her to pay attention to me, and in my adolescent boy brain it made sense that I could her to notice me if I pissed her off. All in all a bad plan on both of our parts, but it worked out.

Bobby1123422 · M

@joe438 my sister and her friends tormented me for their entertainment. It never hurt much was just embarrassing

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Bobby1123422 · M

@joe438 i would do anything to avoid getting it from mom so when my sister invented reasons for her and her friends to spank me i went along with it weather "i knew what i did" or not. They didn't hurt me they just tormented me for fun til they got bored. It stopped when my sister turned 18 and was allowed to have a boyfriend.

joe438 · 61-69, M

@Bobby1123422 I hated them from my mom although I knew I deserved each of the few I got. My sister though, even though her clumsiness and enthusiasm made for a painful spanking (especially at first) it was better somehow. She never made up reasons but she sometimes exaggerated how serious something was if she felt I had gone too long. In retrospect we could have just played checkers but neither of us figured that out. Like you, it ended for me when she was 18 and went off to university. That year we had a long talk and became best friends.

Bobby1123422 · M

@joe438 about a year after she left i started babysitting for my cousins and quickly realized how frustrating being a caregiver could be. I can't say i made up reasons but to them i probably was

joe438 · 61-69, M

@Bobby1123422 Kids don't think rationally. They could offer to wash dishes, end up spraying each other with the hose and not understand what the problem is (a good friend of mine did that in middle school and got in trouble). It's always wise to use compassion and understanding when actually trying to help someone learn. It sounds like that wasn't entirely your sister's motive and it certainly wasn't my sister's.

Bobby1123422 · M

@joe438 I'm pretty sure there was more than once they were trying to get in trouble. I never did it hard enough to make them cry. Sometimes they laughed while getting it, the most i ever got out of them was a whiny promise to be good.

Other times they were just trying to learn to be self sufficient. Like throwing a dry piece of bread into a pan saying they were making french toast 😆

Or giving the cat a bath in the toilet 😆

Or putting the cat in its carrier and then on a skateboard and and rolling it around the house lol

Putting the cat in the dryer after a "bath" 😆

Yeah they were a handfull but not "brats" at all

joe438 · 61-69, M

@Bobby1123422 Yeah, some of that was definitely just to push your buttons. Bathing the cat in the toilet was not just a dumb kid decision - that was trying to get in trouble. I hope the cat wasn't injured, as being mean to an animal is really something that has to be discouraged.

Bobby1123422 · M

@joe438 no it was just annoyed. It just started meowing for help. If it wanted to it could have tore them up.

The only time they got in real trouble was when they went out the second story window onto the roof of the porch. The first and second time i took care of it. The third time their mom's came home early and saw them out there. We all got it that day. Them for doing it and me for not telling on them the first two times

joe438 · 61-69, M

@Bobby1123422 I know my cat would have put up a fight if she felt she was in danger. Yep, climbing on roofs is a big problem. I'm sure they knew better if they tested you three times. I'll bet that once mom saw it, they were much better behaved. Moms have that effect on kids.

Bobby1123422 · M

@joe438 yeah they never went out there again. I remember being pretty upset that i had to get it too. I wish i could have got it in private instead of waiting my turn to get it in front of everyone. But the kids and i had a better relationship after that so i guess it was worth it 🤷

joe438 · 61-69, M

@Bobby1123422 They at least learned that you're not infallible and also not some uppity adult just trying to harsh their buzz. Safety is #1 though, and we see that as adults but as kids we think we're invincible.

Bobby1123422 · M

@joe438 oh definitely. I for sure thought i was invincible. Trying to climb up the tv antenna and jump from the roof of the house to the garage was why i got a few well deserved blisterings. Jumping out in front of cars on the street was another reason. It took me actually getting hit by a car to wisen me up. Thankfully i got off with just a broken arm. At least until the day the cast came off. Then it was bottoms up

joe438 · 61-69, M

@Bobby1123422 it’s easy to look back now and see how careless and reckless we were. I can’t say I did the kinds of actually dangerous things that you did. My transgressions were more of the low-key variety that got dealt with by mom. The relationship with my sister was different.

Bobby1123422 · M

@joe438 yeah I'm pretty sure the only reason i made it to adulthood was my mom's hairbrush. Looking back is crazy. I always wonder how i thought those were good ideas.

A few of my fonder memories is when i got to get my sister back a few times when i caught her talking to boys at her window. I know i wasn't strong enough to make it hurt but just making her as annoyed and embarrassed as she made me was worth the eventual payback. Even back then we managed to laugh about it a few days later.

Being an uncle and then grand uncle is as close to having kids as i ever wanted to get. As soon as i was exposed to babies i got instant anxiety around kids ever since. The first time my niece fell and gashed her chin open i lost my mind. Now when im around any kids i cant stop thinking something bad is going to happen. I miss the innocent days before i saw that happen

joe438 · 61-69, M

@Bobby1123422 it is funny how any of us survived childhood. I was never prone to doing things that threatened life or limb, but I had friends who jumped their muscle bikes off dangerous ramps- on more than one occasion snapping the head tube off the bike when landing. Or a friend I was into model rocketry with thought it was a good idea to put rocket engines on his roller skates. These were the clip-type. When the engines lit they weren’t big enough to move him significantly (fortunately) but his feet went out from under him, one skate took off across the street and hit a car door. He was grounded for weeks after that.

You have the advantage now of experience and you can see your niece or grandniece heading for trouble that she can’t.

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joe438 · 61-69, M

@updown2020 My moms rule was that when we were “too old to spank” we would get extra chores or something. My sister thought I got off easy after being caught playing with her clothes, so she decided she’d take care of it herself. She didn’t have permission but my mom also thought the kids should work out their own issues. My mom found out later and talked with her about it, apparently agreeing reluctantly that it was okay if it didn’t get out of hand. I never complained so mom thought it had stopped.

Her spankings were over her knee with her hairbrush- the same mom had spanked us.

updown2020 · 61-69, M

@joe438 is your sister older than you or younger?

joe438 · 61-69, M

@updown2020 She’s 5 years older.

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joe438 · 61-69, M

@updown2020 I wanted her to stop ignoring me. This wasn’t good attention, but it was attention and my boy brain thought it was as good as it would get. I wasn’t worried about her telling mom ,but more that she’d go back to ignoring me. This evolved into an unhealthy game that lasted a few years.

updown2020 · 61-69, M

@joe438 Oh this went on for a few years wow and the hair brush was a spanking hair brush meaning only used for spanking and kept in one spot ?

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