My Life as a Beta
Growing up, I've been shy and scared of women--and also secretly attracted to men. I always wanted to have sex with women, but my fantasies were often about exhibitionism and masturbation more than pleasuring a woman. The mere thought of an actual woman would make me cum in my pants sometimes! (Always a premature ejaculator!)
I also desperately wanted to suck cock and get fucked by men. By the time I was 19, I had my first sexual experience with a man in a rest room, sucking him but not swallowing and jerking him off. It still was difficult to find men to have sex with, although I had some success at 22 cruising the "duck pond."
I would spend most of my sexual energy collecting pornographic magazines--pre-internet. Buying them was a thrill, especially when I would buy gay ones from a female clerk. I would also go into the woods, strip nude, and run around and masturbate. This has been by far my most frequent sexual activity in my lifetime besides regular masturbation.
I dated my first woman, once, at 24, only for her to have sex with a friend of mine. I was 29 before I had another date with a woman. We would dry hump with clothes on until I came, so that was my first sexual experience with a woman. When I brought up the possibility of having sex, she asked about my sexual experience to feel out how safe it would be. I was caught by surprise--how could I tell her I was a virgin? Then I told her I had only had sex with men. She feigned support by that was the end of that relationship.
When I was 33, I met the woman who I married. She had a prodigious sexual history, infamous really, among the local and touring musicians and others. Now I realize that she also saw an opportunity to reel me in and control me, while she kept her options open. In fact, when I asked her to marry me, she said yes, but contacted one of her exes to essentially give him the first chance, as I found out later.
The sex with her was absolutely incredible--and she never complained about not lasting that long as she would get excited and cum quickly, too, especially if I ate her out and then at the peak moment, put my cock in her pussy with us both cumming instantly. Nevertheless, she had had much more long-lasting lovers who she kept in contact with, especially after Facebook was invented. She would end up sexting with them and meeting them when she could, while telling me her libido was gone.
I was going nuts and start having sex with men again--and masturbating outdoors in parks and trails. But when I discovered her texts with exes--which she had conveniently left up on her computer screen, I started developing a cuckold fetish. I would sneak and read her texts and it would get me even more excited than the exhibitionism outside. Once, I was able to sign into her account while I was at work and read her very explicit texts with an Ex live. That's probably the closest I've been to directly experiencing cuckolding live. She was touching herself, he was touching herself, and I was touching myself--with the door closed!
I don't think there can be any doubt but that I am a full-fledged beta. I'm now divorced but still use the cuckolding fantasy to get hard--that or the memories of sucking and swallowing this guy in hotel rooms who was a regular for a while.
So while I'm attracted to women, I don't have much to offer them. When I can, I find guys to suck and that is my main sexual activity now. I love it, especially if I am nude, on my knees, and following their directions. That is who I am.
I also desperately wanted to suck cock and get fucked by men. By the time I was 19, I had my first sexual experience with a man in a rest room, sucking him but not swallowing and jerking him off. It still was difficult to find men to have sex with, although I had some success at 22 cruising the "duck pond."
I would spend most of my sexual energy collecting pornographic magazines--pre-internet. Buying them was a thrill, especially when I would buy gay ones from a female clerk. I would also go into the woods, strip nude, and run around and masturbate. This has been by far my most frequent sexual activity in my lifetime besides regular masturbation.
I dated my first woman, once, at 24, only for her to have sex with a friend of mine. I was 29 before I had another date with a woman. We would dry hump with clothes on until I came, so that was my first sexual experience with a woman. When I brought up the possibility of having sex, she asked about my sexual experience to feel out how safe it would be. I was caught by surprise--how could I tell her I was a virgin? Then I told her I had only had sex with men. She feigned support by that was the end of that relationship.
When I was 33, I met the woman who I married. She had a prodigious sexual history, infamous really, among the local and touring musicians and others. Now I realize that she also saw an opportunity to reel me in and control me, while she kept her options open. In fact, when I asked her to marry me, she said yes, but contacted one of her exes to essentially give him the first chance, as I found out later.
The sex with her was absolutely incredible--and she never complained about not lasting that long as she would get excited and cum quickly, too, especially if I ate her out and then at the peak moment, put my cock in her pussy with us both cumming instantly. Nevertheless, she had had much more long-lasting lovers who she kept in contact with, especially after Facebook was invented. She would end up sexting with them and meeting them when she could, while telling me her libido was gone.
I was going nuts and start having sex with men again--and masturbating outdoors in parks and trails. But when I discovered her texts with exes--which she had conveniently left up on her computer screen, I started developing a cuckold fetish. I would sneak and read her texts and it would get me even more excited than the exhibitionism outside. Once, I was able to sign into her account while I was at work and read her very explicit texts with an Ex live. That's probably the closest I've been to directly experiencing cuckolding live. She was touching herself, he was touching herself, and I was touching myself--with the door closed!
I don't think there can be any doubt but that I am a full-fledged beta. I'm now divorced but still use the cuckolding fantasy to get hard--that or the memories of sucking and swallowing this guy in hotel rooms who was a regular for a while.
So while I'm attracted to women, I don't have much to offer them. When I can, I find guys to suck and that is my main sexual activity now. I love it, especially if I am nude, on my knees, and following their directions. That is who I am.
