Devotion to Sir
Sir had called me, he said that he has always wanted and needed me. I said that words mean nothing, because it’s actions that matter. I was saying that I didn’t feel valued or needed as a submissive. I felt as though he was only dominant to cater to me and not because he feels a need to be a firm Dom. After that call he snapped at me in a message in which he said to never speak to him that way. It ticked me off, because first of all he was texting me constantly while I was getting ready for a date and then he suddenly snapped at me, but I didn’t have any idea what I’d done wrong. I was just honest and that’s what he says that he wants. I ignored his messages after that. I texted him when my date had started because I’d been ordered to do so. I was still upset and didn’t want to communicate with him at all, but I didn’t want him to worry. I texted him at every opportunity, but I couldn’t have a conversation. Afterwards, Sir had asked why I didn’t want to have sex with my date/potential Dom, I said “because I don’t belong to him”. I don’t just have sex with people, I need a connection. Well, I don’t belong to Sir either, I guess and he wanted to know why I’d still feel comfortable having sex with HIM. I didn’t know that it wasn’t obvious. My connection with Sir is due to 2 things: #1- I love him, #2- I trust him and
#3- I may think that he may not be capable of being my Dom, but no matter what anyone says, I will always belong to him. He is my heart and a part of my soul. I would marry him in a heartbeat forsaking all others, but he can’t do that. When I meet with Sir, he is the perfect combination of firm, sexual, attentive, sadistic, and gentle with the perfect combination of pain, pleasure, orders provided, torment, and some seemingly selfish motives that Doms have the right to have. The problem is that I don’t ever get to see him and online it’s just not the same thing. Online, it may be due to the distance, but I need a firm, sadistic, reasonable Dom who commands my submission with barely a word. I am seeking a Dom, but I understand that Sir is irreplaceable and I don’t ever let anyone tell me that I can’t communicate with him. I don’t understand when he says that he will never be 2nd to another Dom, because he is always first. It’s just that I can’t be a submissive if I were to ignore reasonable orders from my Dom, but Sir’s orders have a tendency to be even more reasonable.
Sir told me on the phone that I am valuable. He said that I’ve been amazing, that I’d done everything that a potential Dom had I’d met desired, and the Dom had cum multiple times. Sir doesn’t understand the hesitation of this Dom and I don’t either, but this validation is what I need. I’ve needed a Dom that allows me to submit, but who also validates my submission. Sir had sent me a collar months ago and I’d never desired to wear it, because he wasn’t allowing me to be immersed in submission and his validation didn’t make any sense to me, because the submission wasn’t happening. But when I’m actually submitting and when Sir is very specific with evidence, then it does make sense and I am filled with acceptance. When Sir had sent me messages the other day evaluating my submissive need, desire, and mindset.. I’d felt so acknowledged and understood that I could have fallen to my knees and cried. And then he confuses me by saying, “these tasks are part of a trial to see if you’re staying worthy of me and my time.” Isn’t it like having said that I’m worthy (which is literally one of the things he said and then saying that I have to prove myself? I will NEVER prove myself. I will accept that I am unworthy of a Dom and his time. I’m the one trying to find all the reasons that I’m not good enough to have a Dom that really does have a purpose for me beyond my own growth and enjoyment. If a Dom is truly willing to hurt me.. then it wouldn’t be difficult to emphasize his expectations and to manage my free will and my identity. I’ve been exhausted by a Dom who had claimed to have expectations but refused to hurt me. I’m so exhausted when I can’t kneel because there is no one who wants my submission. You want my submission, but can’t demonstrate submission is desired and the only thing you have for me is words? Every statement is an argument and every argument needs supporting ideas or actual evidence. You say that you’re a Dom and yet never require any submission, so I say that I am fine on my own, because without validation, I may as well be. Being alone would be less stressful than the unpredictability of a sometimes Dom. I could deal with anything else. I could deal with a sexual Dom, a jealous Dom, a possessive Dom, a controlling Dom, and maybe even a sadist Dom. In fact, a sadist might be a better fit, because I learned that it’s not all about physical pain and is sometimes about enduring him as he continually plants unsettling/yet somehow pleasurable ideas into my mind. I don’t just kneel because a Dom said so and I feel invisible, because no one can understand.. Maybe I might kneel because the thought of all those things brings me to my knees. Maybe I might kneel because my soul can’t handle his idea of forcing me to cum 5 times. Normally, I’d doubt that a man has the ability to do that, but I do not doubt a sadist, because I imagine his lasting patience due to his dedication to the torment he’s selected and that is terrifying enough to be on my knees. You see, I do want to cum, but it will be against my will, because I prefer not to be at anyone’s mercy. If I were to endure that multiple times, then I know that my free will would be shattered and I don’t know what would be left of me. Would I lose all self control or would all control be given to him? When a Dom has taken control of my pleasure and demonstrates that he will hurt me sexually, then I will know him as Master when even my sex obeys him.
The potential Dom is a former police officer.. maybe an interrogator and undercover officer (which is what he claims). Maybe I’ll tell him what he wants to know and even volunteer some information because he’s willing to hurt me and maybe I might want that, but also I really wouldn’t. I shared with him some things that I occasionally do to hurt myself sexually. He asked why I do it and I didn’t have an answer. The answer is because insatiable sex addict behavior can only be tamed with pain and I always regret that pain. Sir used to be someone who could handle that, but that stopped entirely. In fact, everything had stopped almost entirely and he wants to be respected as a Dom. Yesterday he said that protocols state that all Doms should be called “Sir”. I see that as manipulation, because previously when he was my Dom he’d stated that only he should be called “Sir”. I am a bit transparent in this, being that I will ONLY address a Dom as Sir when I am likely to obey him and sometimes that is because my submission has been triggered. This does not mean that I won’t question instructions. I might have a tendency to not question instructions from a Master, but only if I have judged him worthy of the title. The difference between submitting to a Dom and submitting to a Master is the following. Submitting to a Dom is mental, it’s a decision and it is rewarded by his consistent dominance. Submitting to a Master is automatic, because it’s not just mental, it’s because my body also accepts his authority. I didn’t say it, but I implied that Sir had the authority of a Master and that was once true. There are 2 Doms on sw who have my respect as Masters. I don’t have any control over deciding who is a Master, everything is based upon how fully I respond to a Dom, but part of me needs a Master.
#3- I may think that he may not be capable of being my Dom, but no matter what anyone says, I will always belong to him. He is my heart and a part of my soul. I would marry him in a heartbeat forsaking all others, but he can’t do that. When I meet with Sir, he is the perfect combination of firm, sexual, attentive, sadistic, and gentle with the perfect combination of pain, pleasure, orders provided, torment, and some seemingly selfish motives that Doms have the right to have. The problem is that I don’t ever get to see him and online it’s just not the same thing. Online, it may be due to the distance, but I need a firm, sadistic, reasonable Dom who commands my submission with barely a word. I am seeking a Dom, but I understand that Sir is irreplaceable and I don’t ever let anyone tell me that I can’t communicate with him. I don’t understand when he says that he will never be 2nd to another Dom, because he is always first. It’s just that I can’t be a submissive if I were to ignore reasonable orders from my Dom, but Sir’s orders have a tendency to be even more reasonable.
Sir told me on the phone that I am valuable. He said that I’ve been amazing, that I’d done everything that a potential Dom had I’d met desired, and the Dom had cum multiple times. Sir doesn’t understand the hesitation of this Dom and I don’t either, but this validation is what I need. I’ve needed a Dom that allows me to submit, but who also validates my submission. Sir had sent me a collar months ago and I’d never desired to wear it, because he wasn’t allowing me to be immersed in submission and his validation didn’t make any sense to me, because the submission wasn’t happening. But when I’m actually submitting and when Sir is very specific with evidence, then it does make sense and I am filled with acceptance. When Sir had sent me messages the other day evaluating my submissive need, desire, and mindset.. I’d felt so acknowledged and understood that I could have fallen to my knees and cried. And then he confuses me by saying, “these tasks are part of a trial to see if you’re staying worthy of me and my time.” Isn’t it like having said that I’m worthy (which is literally one of the things he said and then saying that I have to prove myself? I will NEVER prove myself. I will accept that I am unworthy of a Dom and his time. I’m the one trying to find all the reasons that I’m not good enough to have a Dom that really does have a purpose for me beyond my own growth and enjoyment. If a Dom is truly willing to hurt me.. then it wouldn’t be difficult to emphasize his expectations and to manage my free will and my identity. I’ve been exhausted by a Dom who had claimed to have expectations but refused to hurt me. I’m so exhausted when I can’t kneel because there is no one who wants my submission. You want my submission, but can’t demonstrate submission is desired and the only thing you have for me is words? Every statement is an argument and every argument needs supporting ideas or actual evidence. You say that you’re a Dom and yet never require any submission, so I say that I am fine on my own, because without validation, I may as well be. Being alone would be less stressful than the unpredictability of a sometimes Dom. I could deal with anything else. I could deal with a sexual Dom, a jealous Dom, a possessive Dom, a controlling Dom, and maybe even a sadist Dom. In fact, a sadist might be a better fit, because I learned that it’s not all about physical pain and is sometimes about enduring him as he continually plants unsettling/yet somehow pleasurable ideas into my mind. I don’t just kneel because a Dom said so and I feel invisible, because no one can understand.. Maybe I might kneel because the thought of all those things brings me to my knees. Maybe I might kneel because my soul can’t handle his idea of forcing me to cum 5 times. Normally, I’d doubt that a man has the ability to do that, but I do not doubt a sadist, because I imagine his lasting patience due to his dedication to the torment he’s selected and that is terrifying enough to be on my knees. You see, I do want to cum, but it will be against my will, because I prefer not to be at anyone’s mercy. If I were to endure that multiple times, then I know that my free will would be shattered and I don’t know what would be left of me. Would I lose all self control or would all control be given to him? When a Dom has taken control of my pleasure and demonstrates that he will hurt me sexually, then I will know him as Master when even my sex obeys him.
The potential Dom is a former police officer.. maybe an interrogator and undercover officer (which is what he claims). Maybe I’ll tell him what he wants to know and even volunteer some information because he’s willing to hurt me and maybe I might want that, but also I really wouldn’t. I shared with him some things that I occasionally do to hurt myself sexually. He asked why I do it and I didn’t have an answer. The answer is because insatiable sex addict behavior can only be tamed with pain and I always regret that pain. Sir used to be someone who could handle that, but that stopped entirely. In fact, everything had stopped almost entirely and he wants to be respected as a Dom. Yesterday he said that protocols state that all Doms should be called “Sir”. I see that as manipulation, because previously when he was my Dom he’d stated that only he should be called “Sir”. I am a bit transparent in this, being that I will ONLY address a Dom as Sir when I am likely to obey him and sometimes that is because my submission has been triggered. This does not mean that I won’t question instructions. I might have a tendency to not question instructions from a Master, but only if I have judged him worthy of the title. The difference between submitting to a Dom and submitting to a Master is the following. Submitting to a Dom is mental, it’s a decision and it is rewarded by his consistent dominance. Submitting to a Master is automatic, because it’s not just mental, it’s because my body also accepts his authority. I didn’t say it, but I implied that Sir had the authority of a Master and that was once true. There are 2 Doms on sw who have my respect as Masters. I don’t have any control over deciding who is a Master, everything is based upon how fully I respond to a Dom, but part of me needs a Master.
