I don’t know how to feel
*trigger warning - suicide*
I’ll probably end up deleting this post, I just need to get it all out of my head.
Anyone who knows me in here knows that I have had some struggles with my mental health. I recently attempted suicide and have been working with the crisis team and the community mental health team to try and get better. Things have been bad, a couple of nights ago I got myself really upset and wrote a suicide note. I don’t even think I was planning to do anything, I just needed to get the thoughts out and say things that I can never say.
People always tell you to talk, I’m always told “you can talk to me”, but as soon as I say how I feel or what is in my head I get told “don’t say things like that”.
My mental health coordinator comes to the house twice per day to assess my risks. They keep ruling I am safe to stay at home but there are conditions like I’m not allowed to be home alone or go out without supervision, I’ve had my keys taken off me, if I’m alone in my room then someone has to check on me at least every hour, I’ve also had everything taken out my room that could pose any risk. I mean everything! My dressing gown doesn’t even have the belt anymore. I get it, I understand it’s to keep me safe, but it’s also really fucking difficult. I get frustrated sometimes with the lack of privacy when I can’t harm myself even if I wanted to.
Last night I was in the bath and was charging my phone via a socket in the hallway. It occurred to me that if the cable went in the bath I’d die. I wasn’t suicidal last night and had no intentions. But the thought scared me but also comforted me. I’ve had everything taken away from me and this realisation that if I want to then I can, it gave me back my choice, my freedom. I know it’s a fucked up thought pattern and if I talk about it with anyone in the real world then I risk everything, but I just needed to vent it. I can’t stop thinking about my cable…my secret weapon
I’ll probably end up deleting this post, I just need to get it all out of my head.
Anyone who knows me in here knows that I have had some struggles with my mental health. I recently attempted suicide and have been working with the crisis team and the community mental health team to try and get better. Things have been bad, a couple of nights ago I got myself really upset and wrote a suicide note. I don’t even think I was planning to do anything, I just needed to get the thoughts out and say things that I can never say.
People always tell you to talk, I’m always told “you can talk to me”, but as soon as I say how I feel or what is in my head I get told “don’t say things like that”.
My mental health coordinator comes to the house twice per day to assess my risks. They keep ruling I am safe to stay at home but there are conditions like I’m not allowed to be home alone or go out without supervision, I’ve had my keys taken off me, if I’m alone in my room then someone has to check on me at least every hour, I’ve also had everything taken out my room that could pose any risk. I mean everything! My dressing gown doesn’t even have the belt anymore. I get it, I understand it’s to keep me safe, but it’s also really fucking difficult. I get frustrated sometimes with the lack of privacy when I can’t harm myself even if I wanted to.
Last night I was in the bath and was charging my phone via a socket in the hallway. It occurred to me that if the cable went in the bath I’d die. I wasn’t suicidal last night and had no intentions. But the thought scared me but also comforted me. I’ve had everything taken away from me and this realisation that if I want to then I can, it gave me back my choice, my freedom. I know it’s a fucked up thought pattern and if I talk about it with anyone in the real world then I risk everything, but I just needed to vent it. I can’t stop thinking about my cable…my secret weapon
