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HOW TO SING THE BLUES: A PRIMER

1. Most Blues tunes begin with: “Woke up this morning…”

2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes… sort of: “Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound.”

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in aditch – ain’t no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg ’cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg ’cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can’t have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues:

a. Nordstrom’s
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can’t be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin’ give you gasoline, it’s the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
e. Diet Coke
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot.

You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
e. Leroy
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Brooke, Brittany and Heather can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Deaf, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example:

Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

(Well, maybe not “Kiwi.”)

20. Oh, by the way. I don’t care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.
Lilymoon · F
"The blues is my business and business is good"

[media=https://youtu.be/VG5WpDAFQ9E]
This is hilarious. And pretty true. Except I don't think Kiwi Willie is a good blues name.
ozgirl512 · 26-30, F
@Mamapolo2016 i was going to agree with you... But i think kiwi Willi has a certain ring to it😜
@ozgirl512 It does ring - but the blues don't.
CharlesRomsey · 61-69, M
Funny.
I wrote the shortest blues song ever. It goes:
"I didn't wake up this morning."
dubkebab · 51-55, M
This one time we was all liquored up well after midnight at Scotty's shack munching shoplifted pizza rolls and Flatbed Greg was strummin his beat up acoustic as I wailed on tha harp while Scott drummed on a bucket an Greg starts nodding,nodding,yawning...chorus of snores...didn't miss a riff,kept snoring and picking,strumming and snoring.
The train kept-a-rolling,just with the conductor asleep.
That was some legendary blues,the type where a man living on the front seat of his truck cos ol' Maggie done him wrong can carry the torch even while unconscious.

I also once heard Bo Diddley explain the finer points of da blues as involving a lone onion being all you got in yo kitchen and there's a lonely rat eatin' that onion cryin' and that yes,chillun,thas some real low-down blues.


Brilliant post-many thanks!
vorian · 51-55, M
So funny...thanks for that.
My observation on the rules of "funk" music.
Every tune seems to revolve around possession of said "funk".
You got the funk
I got the funk
We have the funk
I want the funk
You need the funk
He / she needs / has the funk
Etc etc...
The "funk" is passed around evenly between members of the band until everyone is truly funked up.
carpediem · 61-69, M
Some Chicago blues for you

[media=https://youtu.be/79pzp6BgbhY]
KiwiBird · 36-40, F
[media=https://youtu.be/ZDSdo0dzKkU]

One of the BEST
SW-User
Wrote a song bout it. Like to hear it? Here it go.

*Blues Guitar Riff*
I coulda been a poor dirt farmer in Mississippiiiiiiiii....but I couldn't even afford the dirt. AAAAH HAA HAA HAAAAHHH.

THANK YA VERY MUCH
KiwiBird · 36-40, F
I have 50 Blues songs on my Spotify Play List.....my favourite music genre.

Great Post
ozgirl512 · 26-30, F
@KiwiBird i think there's something in the list about spotify 🤣
KiwiBird · 36-40, F
@ozgirl512 Couldn't find it? Highlight it! 1😝
ozgirl512 · 26-30, F
@KiwiBird if it's not there it should be!
Blues is played at 78!
KatyO83 · 36-40, F
Guess I ain't singing no blues then sister.
ozgirl512 · 26-30, F
@KatyO83 Blind Melon Katy?
KatyO83 · 36-40, F
@ozgirl512 sadly not huge melons Katy 🤣🤣
ozgirl512 · 26-30, F
@KatyO83 got it!
Perfect name!
Missin melons Katy 🤣

Gurl, yo got da dem dere blues
firefall · 61-69, M
' Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet.' you [b]really [/b]dont know any teenagers, do you?
CassandraSissy · 26-30, TVIP
I'd love to see one for Country!

😘
ozgirl512 · 26-30, F
@CassandraSissy hush yo mouth child!
CassandraSissy · 26-30, TVIP
@ozgirl512 But...but...we're the strange nephew and nieces...y'know, the one's with the buck teeth!

Dueliing Banjo's anybody?!?

😜
ozgirl512 · 26-30, F
@CassandraSissy kissing cousins🤣
SW-User
[media=https://youtu.be/aA2auxH5Ahk]
Human1000 · M
This is great. I got my name at the Crossroads.
Human1000 · M
@ozgirl512 Still can’t play for shit. Devil took my twenty, and vanished in the air.
ozgirl512 · 26-30, F
@Human1000 you were at the wrong crossroads lol
Human1000 · M
@ozgirl512 Ugh, gosh darn google maps.
lumberjackslam · 41-45, M
'find a line that sort of rhymes' I love how imperfectionist that is
Human1000 · M
[media=https://youtu.be/fXW1iI5dC0k]

 
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