Last night at work I was not the manager I was hired to be, and it was the best thing I could’ve done.
Last night I tried writing this post and had to make myself stop due to the emotions I was feeling too much, and the overall length that was becoming too ugh for even me.
Long story short, our beloved co-owner…who reminds me so much of my dad…is in the hospital with failing kidneys and a heart working at only 20%, the same fate my dad had in his final days.
Not only do I care for this man because of who he reminds me of, but also because of the kindness he has shown my son…who is a dishwasher at our restaurant and who I accepted would have to live a life without my dad being a part of it…and because of the tough as nails armor he has lowered a time or two to show that he cares about me. Like, when I returned from the chapter when I thought the cancer would be the end of me and he came straight up to me and hugged me tightly before saying in a volume only I could hear, “Missed you.”
Because I met coworkers and his family members in the parking lot, there were a lot of tears last night before I even walked through the door. I tried to maintain my composure for the two I had to lead on the shift, so I kept my head down, refrained from eye contact, and communicated very little. All that did was make me sit with my thoughts more and playback moments I had with him and the unfortunate moments that were still to come.
I couldn’t exist like that, not when my anxiety was already swinging so hard at me. So, I shifted gears. I knew how much my inner child was grieving and instead decided to become the goofball to possibly help her get through the hours that were before me.
Out of nowhere, I decided to arm wrestle the college kid we had on deck for the grill, and for a moment there I thought I could take him. I figured all the rage I had inside plus the biceps that would engage muscle memory from when I was working out seven days a week would definitely rise to the occasion so I could slam his hand down on top of the deep freezer and follow it up with a Sylvester Stallone/Lincoln Hawk victory scream. But the second we locked hands and he started flexing his bicep, I immediately realized the error in my thinking. I quickly said, “Wait!” felt his bicep, and then proceeded to breathe out a quiet but still audible, “…shit.” So, I let the kid have his moment. I went down so fast 🙄
Even with the tickets coming in, we joked all night with each other, even his family members, including his sister who is my boss. She put $5 on me to win the arm wrestling contest and said it was the best $5 she’d spent in a while. She laughed so hard so I silently agreed with her. But we all had moments where we sat together on the floor criss-cross applesauce, talked about working out and MacGyver, sang various Green Day songs, compared playlists, and every now and then I’d look over to my boss and softly smile at her. Once she smiled back and tilted her head to the side as if say…thank you.
We both needed that lift to the heaviness in the air.
I’m not sure what today will bring, but I do know that I’ve allowed myself to sit back as someone else runs my errands today. Not because I needed them to really, but simply because I wanted to bask in the peace that’s been granted to me right now for as long as possible. That took a lot for me to do, but I’m making myself be okay with it so I can be the best me I can be later. Even if it’s not the absolute best version of me, alright me is fine as well. Sometimes that’s enough.
Long story short, our beloved co-owner…who reminds me so much of my dad…is in the hospital with failing kidneys and a heart working at only 20%, the same fate my dad had in his final days.
Not only do I care for this man because of who he reminds me of, but also because of the kindness he has shown my son…who is a dishwasher at our restaurant and who I accepted would have to live a life without my dad being a part of it…and because of the tough as nails armor he has lowered a time or two to show that he cares about me. Like, when I returned from the chapter when I thought the cancer would be the end of me and he came straight up to me and hugged me tightly before saying in a volume only I could hear, “Missed you.”
Because I met coworkers and his family members in the parking lot, there were a lot of tears last night before I even walked through the door. I tried to maintain my composure for the two I had to lead on the shift, so I kept my head down, refrained from eye contact, and communicated very little. All that did was make me sit with my thoughts more and playback moments I had with him and the unfortunate moments that were still to come.
I couldn’t exist like that, not when my anxiety was already swinging so hard at me. So, I shifted gears. I knew how much my inner child was grieving and instead decided to become the goofball to possibly help her get through the hours that were before me.
Out of nowhere, I decided to arm wrestle the college kid we had on deck for the grill, and for a moment there I thought I could take him. I figured all the rage I had inside plus the biceps that would engage muscle memory from when I was working out seven days a week would definitely rise to the occasion so I could slam his hand down on top of the deep freezer and follow it up with a Sylvester Stallone/Lincoln Hawk victory scream. But the second we locked hands and he started flexing his bicep, I immediately realized the error in my thinking. I quickly said, “Wait!” felt his bicep, and then proceeded to breathe out a quiet but still audible, “…shit.” So, I let the kid have his moment. I went down so fast 🙄
Even with the tickets coming in, we joked all night with each other, even his family members, including his sister who is my boss. She put $5 on me to win the arm wrestling contest and said it was the best $5 she’d spent in a while. She laughed so hard so I silently agreed with her. But we all had moments where we sat together on the floor criss-cross applesauce, talked about working out and MacGyver, sang various Green Day songs, compared playlists, and every now and then I’d look over to my boss and softly smile at her. Once she smiled back and tilted her head to the side as if say…thank you.
We both needed that lift to the heaviness in the air.
I’m not sure what today will bring, but I do know that I’ve allowed myself to sit back as someone else runs my errands today. Not because I needed them to really, but simply because I wanted to bask in the peace that’s been granted to me right now for as long as possible. That took a lot for me to do, but I’m making myself be okay with it so I can be the best me I can be later. Even if it’s not the absolute best version of me, alright me is fine as well. Sometimes that’s enough.
46-50, F
