Songs if I die young by the band Perry and happier

I have been listening to if I die young by band Perry reflecting on my own mortality and potential premature death. I have a good chance of beating the cancer because it hasn’t spread all over yet so I’m not eligible for MAID. I haven’t lost all my energy yet. And happier by Bastille and marshmello reflecting on my most recent breakup where I broke up with my ex boyfriend to let him be happier and not have to deal with my mental illnesses and waiting forever for me to become financially independent and self sufficient. I also felt a little lonely in an online relationship. That was long distance. I wanted to get back together a few days and few weeks after thinking I made a huge mistake. I cried so much before I broke up with him. He stayed broken up with me for my own good and told me I needed someone in real life and our relationship was not good for my future.he also said that we are 30+ and it looks like we would not come together in real life anytime soon. He told I was young and beautiful and I could easily find someone after working through some of my problems and he felt partly responsible for me not finding someone in real life I could have moved in with or gotten married to and helped made me independent. He was never. Responsible for my poor choices which caused my lack of independence. If anything knowing him for seven years or so actually kept me from trying to kill myself again. He was so kind and good to me with the patience of a saint. I wish I had done my vocational courses online and degree programs and finished them so I could have started making money and could eventually save up to move out on my own and get him to the United States or have me go to India. Something had to give. We could only continue online for so long and we plateaued. He loved me after getting to know me for so many years and knew my dark secrets and still loved me anyway. He was depending on me to bring us together in real life because he didn’t Have enough money to pay for all the travel expenses and going long distance to the United States. The furthest country. He had ever been to was Nepal.. he came from a poor family and went to school for finance and accounting bachelors degree. IGNOU India’s open university for distance learning. He still wasn’t getting paid a lot of money no matter if he worked a full time job. Between bills, taxes, and financially supporting his aging parents with his brother, he didn’t have much left over. He told me me he could love me and still let me go. He still wanted to be in my life though and email me and talk on similarworlds but not in real time on WhatsApp so we wouldn’t be as easily attached to each other. He came back to WhatsApp after worrying the way I was talking I would do something wrong to myself for a few weeks. I couldn’t let go of the past so he left. WhatsApp again. He slowly Started talking to me less and got more busy. Sometimes it would be every few days sometimes a week or so. He only. Knew his wife for about two-three months. Before they got engaged which is enough. Time if you are asking the hard questions on compatibility from the beginning.. he said he would. Always. Be my friend before he met his now wife. Before he changed his mind and said goodbye to me it was a month and three days without hearing anything from him. That was the. Longest amount of time he ever went without. Contacting me. At most on occasion a week or two would go by before he wrote me a long letter other times it. Was just a few days. He left me partly to have a fresh start with his bride and partly. So I wouldn’t be pining for him. I ended the relationship and he ended the friendship. He knew he had to leave. As much as he wanted to get back together with me before he met his wife, he knew it would not be good for me. He sent me. A clip from 13 reasons why that Stated I can love you and still let you go when he came back to WhatsApp. Meaning he had no intention of getting back together with me for my own good. He offered me a movie friend date for Christmas as a present but instead travelled locally at last minute. I was disappointed as I wanted to see him on video call again to see how he was doing. Late December to early January 2023-2024 was when he met his would be future wife. Eight months from mid July 2023 when we broke up to late March 2024 when he got engaged was a pain of loss for me. I can only imagine how the break up made him feel in the beginning. Though I supported his romantically moving on and would have been happy for him though seeing him with someone else ate me up inside. I guess the friendship was no longer a positive aspect for him. I know we ran our course as lovers and pretended we were ok. The truth was overall it was a good relationship we had. We didn’t argue or fight very much. He forgave me even if I royally fucked up especially with two to three male friends coming onto me and there was some smacking across the face that went on. All he wanted was for me to be honest with him and love him. He used to worry he would lose me to someone else who in my real life because they could be there. In a way he couldn’t. I never had eyes for anyone else and told him that. Even to this day I still love him and no one has caught my eye or could take his place. He said he used to push me to finish my vocational courses with certificates and diplomas of completion. Because he knew something like this. Would happen if things didn’t get a move on. He also must have realized I wasn’t going anywhere. Different soon. He left me at first to make me happier and raise my spirits even though he wanted to change his mind. Then he left me as a friend too to start over with his fiancee.the song. Happier relates to us so much minus the part about arguing but breaking up with him were the words I couldn’t take back. The truth is he left me and I left him to both of us to be happier. But I couldn’t have been more miserable. And now. While he is happily married which I am glad he found a new love as I didn’t want him to be lonely, I became more miserable with time and am now sick. I wish he would. Come back as a great friend in my life and could still be happily married. But he left me for good in all ways. I wonder if he even knows I have cancer. Because I can’t tell if he put my emails in trash or junk/spam folder. Or simply reads some of them. And feels he can’t respond. I have no way to know. I can’t call him because I think he blocked my number from reaching his cell phone. I just wish he would care enough about me to be my friend again and help me through this tough time. I lost the best thing that ever happened to me in my life. Even though. I have other friends from here 3-4 and friends in real life 2-3 of them. I haven’t talked to my friends very much in a couple of. Weeks. Because of the shock of my cancer diagnosis.. I shut down. And didn’t really tell anyone except my family and Sujeet.. well when I talk to my friends again I’ll tell them the truth especially Bobby, Chester, mark, and Marissa. Also Robert.i will need all the support I can get. I wish Sujeet was here for me again like he used to be. But my wish never came true. He left without a trace and I feel terrible that my attempts to get him back into my life. Could have very well gone into stalking territory. I was just desperate.to get my friend back because that was the only way I could have him in my life since he could never be my lover ever again. I never meant him any harm and never threatened anyone but even spaced out as my letters were. I could have been causing him and his wife emotional distress by writing messages and emails to him on email and social media. ( because I found him under my contacts) so I had to stop eventually. Because what is the point of sending unanswered. Emails and messages? Maybe I am bit crazy. I told him all about my grandparents dying, dog dying, and my cancer diagnosis. Still nothing in response. Either he hasn’t gotten my messages and emails or he has and simply no longer cares about me. Because if he is ignoring me when I have cancer that is cruel beyond belief. He was never cruel to me when we were dating or as friends. If his wife thinks anything is going on if he ever got back to me, that would tell how little trust she has in him. And he deserves to be trusted 100%. He never cheated on me or anything. He is faithful the and we would only talk about friend things not romantic or sexual things. My love is gone. Well he isn’t mine anymore. But in spirit if feels like he is still mine. Happier song makes me cry every time especially the music video about the girl and her dog Mello. I feel like I lost my precious mate. Like a wolf. Wolves mate until one of them dies. I feel like I’m dying inside because I lost my mate. I feel ditched and betrayed when he ended our friendship. But maybe it was healthier for him to make a clean break from me altogether. This. Pain I feel never went away even though I have no choice but to continue to keep living ( however long that is) and moving on without him, I really feel empty without him in my life. So now I also have to tell my psychiatrist and therapist about my cancer diagnosis because they needed the papers from my yearly physical at department of mental health and on top of that they will find out I am an intersex woman. Yeah I wonder how much medication will help my depression now? And luckily I’m not at the advanced stages of 3 and 4 for the cancer. I have a pretty good chance of nipping this in the bud. I mean mental health and then a potentially life threatening. Disease on top of so many issues my family has had over the years. My cousin had cancer long ago and my grandfather. Had prostate cancer in the early stages some years ago stage 1. My mom almost died when I was 24. My family. Has been through the ringer and back on both sides. I miss my grandma from her death last summer. But most of all. I miss my ex boyfriend. He saw me as I wanted to be seen. He saw me for me and understood me and validated as a person. He didn’t think the way I dressed, believed, thought, or acted was crazy or something wrong. He thought I needed to change my life by working hard and that when i would be independent and self sufficient and could live life the way I wanted the depression would decrease. He knew my parents financially supported me and that I was struggling with mental illness like clinical depression and anxiety. My schizophrenia had not entered the picture for us yet. He knew I thought my house was haunted and I went through weird and scary events. In my childhood and youth and that I tried to kill myself at sixteen. He knew everything about me that I could possibly share with him.he accepted me for who I was and thought I could better myself through working hard on my skills and education. It was only after I had the breakdown and told him what happened. After we broke up that he thought something was wrong with me when the court psychiatrist said it sounded like I had schizoaffective disorder. Which is depression or bipolar mixed with schizophrenia. Sujeet said he researched about this. And agreed I had something similar. He didn’t run away from being my friend though. For eight months after our breakup. He stayed around. He told me he didn’t care if I was mentally ill when I asked him if he was pulling away because of that. He said he just got busy with work and taking care of life and that was all, not because I was mentally ill. I know he wouldn’t contact me as much because he was trying not to stay too attached to me communicating in real time on WhatsApp. I sometimes cry for my ex boyfriend even though I know he will not contact me again after breaking off our friendship and getting engaged. God how I miss him. He was the love of my life and people would scratch their heads at such a statement but it’s true for me. Maybe he no longer considers me the. Love of his life and maybe considers his wife the love of his life now. I felt I could be his friend and he could stay married happily. Maybe that’s very naive to think. He is not the cheating kind at all and it looks.like his feelings for me disappeared once he got engaged. I will always wonder what if things had turned out differently? If I could have been the one to have been by his side forever and make him happy. If I never got into a mental breakdown, I don’t think I would have broken up with him in the first place. I wonder if he would have eventually broken up with me years later if things. Were still the same between us? It’s so hard to know for sure. Because there was a point. He thought he didn’t want to be with anyone else but me and couldn’t picture it otherwise. He loved me once and was so kind to me. That’s the thing I miss most of all is the loving kindness and understanding he showed me. I miss his companionship and someone to talk to about anything and everything. I miss him talking to me everyday even if it was just text message. And on most weekends we video called for hours. Two years later and I still remember our conversations. Now he either doesn’t know something is wrong or is ignoring me completely. His exact words were not to message him as much as I was here on similarworlds, mail, or anywhere else because his girlfriend now wife would get suspicious and get different thoughts. He told me to please take care and have a good life. That was devastating. That meant goodbye and I wasn’t wishing to say goodbye. I want to think he has not forgotten about me and still thinks of me from time to time. I wished he answered my goodbye letter where I told him I have cancer. I wish he was my friend again and would give me encouraging advice that I can make it and I will be fine. I wish he stayed in my. Life and didn’t block my calls to his phone. I wish we could have at least stayed good friends and been apart of each others’ lives even if we no longer lovers and potential spouses. I feel a huge hole in my heart where he used to be. I feel like that song by lady Gaga I will never love again from a star is born. I don’t think I will ever love anyone the way the way I loved him. He was a great comfort to me in my darkest hours. Now I stay in bed until 3 or 3:30 pm wishing I was dead some days. I wish I could just close my eyes and never wake up again. I wish for peaceful sleep and my soul to leave my body. I want my family to move on with their lives and not have to worry about me anymore and what will happen to me. I lay in bed waiting for death but it never comes. I like to close my eyes so I can dream instead of waking up to depressing reality. I have some good things in my life like a family that loves me and friends who care about me, but that’s not all I need. When the time comes my parents want to transfer me to assisted independent living where there is some support for me to live on my own. First I have to beat the cancer and there could be a few years waiting list for such a place. It’s not restrictive like a group home where there are ridiculous rules and restrictions on the people with disabilities living there. I wanted to live.completely on my own but my parents can’t see me living anywhere without some supports in place because of how I have been up to this point. My life is going to be limited in some ways. I guess I have to just accept it for what it is. The same way I have to accept Sujeet as being gone from me forever. To be continued….