Help ! I Feel Like I'm Starting To Hate Music ;(
As of recently I've been losing touch with music. It sounds completely ridiculous but I'm worried that I'm starting to hate music.
So here's some background info about this, I've always loved music ( as should everyone ) but my relationship with it has never been a healthy one. I've always loved singing and it used to be my everything. In my early teen years it was the only thing that kept me alive but here's the ironic part. As much as I depended on it, it was what made me depressed. My dad used to make fun of my singing and as a result I stopped singing in front of people, but that didn't stop me, for the next few years I continued singing and in a way, my dad became my fuel to become better and better. Admittedly I know I don't sound amazing in anyway but I still loved doing it and I could tell that I was getting better at it.
But the thing about it was that no matter how much I sang, I HATED my voice, whether my dad acted as a catalyst or something, I hated my voice with a passion and there were countless times where I tried to destroy my voice by drinking bleach etc. I fell into depression and it's been a battle ever since. Despite all the pain it brought, it made me so happy and it was quite literally my only reason to live.
Also, I have been learning the classical guitar from a really young age and I'm on my 8th year this year. But the thing about it was I never connected with my guitar, I found extreme difficulty in understanding music sheets and whether it was because of my teacher for not guiding me or just my complete incompetence, I could never really play well.
Even though I've been playing for 8 years, I probably can only play as well as someone who's been playing for 2. I'm not intuitive with the guitar, my sight reading is garbage and my hands don't glide over the strings as it should. In simpler terms, I'm shit at guitar.
Lately I've been trying to pick it back up again and actually become decent but I'm at a complete loss at where to even begin. The stress of this combined with my singing dilemma has sent me into a complete downward spiral and I'm just completely distraught.
There are other factors to why I'm feeling like this but these are the ones that contribute the most.
Back to what I mean by I'm losing touch with music, what I mean by that is that music no longer gives me the same joy anymore.
I used to be able to listen to songs for hours with my earphones but recently I find that I WANT to avoid listening to any music, I do this by muting the radio, putting in earplugs to drown out the TV and even when I find a little courage to listen to something, it sounds stale, like it's just noise and it actually gives me a headache.
My singing is also tremendously affected, I used to be able to scream out my feelings when I sang and I always felt liberated after a good singing session, but suddenly I feel nothing at all. Everytime I sing I feel nothing, just emptiness and I'm losing the groove too, I'm singing off-timing and off-key. I feel breathless and I can't seem to find the breath to sing notes I used to be able to do. I sound airy and the worst part. BORED.
I feel like music is just slipping away from me and I keep having to push these feelings of anger towards music. It's not been doing very well for me because it's also starting to affect those around me.
Now I'm full-on depressed again but this time nothing to help me get through. For the first time in my life I actually feel like there's no hope at all.
I just feel so lost, so angry at myself and I really desperately want to find that same love for music again.
Please if you somehow made it through this really lengthy post, help me if you have any advice at all. please.
So here's some background info about this, I've always loved music ( as should everyone ) but my relationship with it has never been a healthy one. I've always loved singing and it used to be my everything. In my early teen years it was the only thing that kept me alive but here's the ironic part. As much as I depended on it, it was what made me depressed. My dad used to make fun of my singing and as a result I stopped singing in front of people, but that didn't stop me, for the next few years I continued singing and in a way, my dad became my fuel to become better and better. Admittedly I know I don't sound amazing in anyway but I still loved doing it and I could tell that I was getting better at it.
But the thing about it was that no matter how much I sang, I HATED my voice, whether my dad acted as a catalyst or something, I hated my voice with a passion and there were countless times where I tried to destroy my voice by drinking bleach etc. I fell into depression and it's been a battle ever since. Despite all the pain it brought, it made me so happy and it was quite literally my only reason to live.
Also, I have been learning the classical guitar from a really young age and I'm on my 8th year this year. But the thing about it was I never connected with my guitar, I found extreme difficulty in understanding music sheets and whether it was because of my teacher for not guiding me or just my complete incompetence, I could never really play well.
Even though I've been playing for 8 years, I probably can only play as well as someone who's been playing for 2. I'm not intuitive with the guitar, my sight reading is garbage and my hands don't glide over the strings as it should. In simpler terms, I'm shit at guitar.
Lately I've been trying to pick it back up again and actually become decent but I'm at a complete loss at where to even begin. The stress of this combined with my singing dilemma has sent me into a complete downward spiral and I'm just completely distraught.
There are other factors to why I'm feeling like this but these are the ones that contribute the most.
Back to what I mean by I'm losing touch with music, what I mean by that is that music no longer gives me the same joy anymore.
I used to be able to listen to songs for hours with my earphones but recently I find that I WANT to avoid listening to any music, I do this by muting the radio, putting in earplugs to drown out the TV and even when I find a little courage to listen to something, it sounds stale, like it's just noise and it actually gives me a headache.
My singing is also tremendously affected, I used to be able to scream out my feelings when I sang and I always felt liberated after a good singing session, but suddenly I feel nothing at all. Everytime I sing I feel nothing, just emptiness and I'm losing the groove too, I'm singing off-timing and off-key. I feel breathless and I can't seem to find the breath to sing notes I used to be able to do. I sound airy and the worst part. BORED.
I feel like music is just slipping away from me and I keep having to push these feelings of anger towards music. It's not been doing very well for me because it's also starting to affect those around me.
Now I'm full-on depressed again but this time nothing to help me get through. For the first time in my life I actually feel like there's no hope at all.
I just feel so lost, so angry at myself and I really desperately want to find that same love for music again.
Please if you somehow made it through this really lengthy post, help me if you have any advice at all. please.
22-25, M
