I will never forget my true first love

It’s been almost two years since I have heard anything from him. He really told me goodbye. Not even when I told him I have cancer did he check in on me. He must be married now and I hope he is happy. It was my fault for breaking up with him in the first place because I was mostly thinking of his future happiness. I had a psychotic breakdown two and a half years ago. I didn’t want him to have to put up with my mental illnesses and not being financially independent. He would have had to wait many more years for me to live on my own and to create a life together. I was also a little lonely because he wasn’t physically present in my life. We dated online and virtual long distance. We didn’t have the funds or right circumstances to meet each other once in seven to almost eight years. I blame myself for getting stuck on my online vocational courses and final exams and not finishing my studies which could would help me start making money. I should have finished my university education too. Both things would have helped me acquire a flexible remote career which could have helped start saving money to live on my own and bring him to America or me go to India. 🇮🇳 it’s too late now. He stopped being my friend post breakup after dating and getting engaged to another lady. I was so devastated we stopped being friends. I was devastated at losing him as a boyfriend. I wanted to get back together a few days later after I broke up with him but he said he wasn’t going to do that to me and he didn’t want to hurt me more than I had been hurting and that maybe I needed someone in real life to love me. It only took him six months to start dating someone else a little bit and eight months after breaking up to be engaged. To this day I wonder if was love come arranged marriage, love marriage, or a semi arranged marriage because it took him only about couple of months to be engaged. He would have married me if I hadn’t broken up with him and had my life together to create a life together with each other. He said as much. He hoped for almost seven years I would finish my studies and learn skills in which I could start making money. His salary didn’t pay enough for him to get documents like travel visa, passports, and long distance international travel expenses. He had to support his aging parents and with all his monthly bills he had barely any money left over even though he was an accountant working for a smaller firm in India. So he depended on me to make the money to save up for things but because I never finished my classes because I got flustered on course content and final exams I never made a portfolio of projects with my visual design and web development courses with skillcrush.com or past the final exams so I could get some work on knowadays.com with my proofreading and editing courses. What a mess. To this day I feel so sad and my heart hadn’t healed from him being gone. MIA never heard from him again. After giving me an explanation why it took so long to respond back to my messages, he told me to please take care and have a good life and I shouldn’t focus on him. I should worry about making friends and getting a career and job. Once I got a career I could move anywhere and enjoy my life. It was all my fault. Now I am still sad thinking about him often… it hurts less when I distract myself with my hobbies and passions but my interests can only keep me entertained for a few hours at a time. I hope he thinks of me once in a while… I sent him a goodbye email telling him I have cancer maybe two to three months ago. I tried getting in contact with him sometimes after he said please take care and have a good life because he said please don’t contact me this much here, mail, or anywhere else because my gf might get suspicious and have different thoughts. I thought he meant to not contact him as much as I had before but what he meant was not at all because he never responded back to my emails or messages. Well there is nothing I can do except remember the times we had together and be satisfied with that. I will never love again though and I will be single for the rest of my life. He was my soulmate. And first true love even though I dated before him two people before him. I should be thankful for the time I had with him and just let him live a good life. It feels just like yesterday I was with him. What I wouldn’t give to see his face again and hear his voice. I still have pictures he sent me of him as a little boy in India and a picture from one day at the office in a purple shirt from 2021. I wish I had appreciated him more when I had him and gave him all the love he craved instead of being depressed. I keep all my emails and social media like Snapchat, telegram, WhatsApp, and similarworlds open hoping to hear a message from him. I would take just being good friends. We were friends before he broke off all communication with me. I’m sure he blocked me from calling his mobile phone because each time I tried to contact him to please remain friends it said it was busy and to try again later. I feel so sad without him in my life though I have other friends. It’s been two years almost and I’m still not over him. I will carry this longing in my heart for the rest of my life. I don’t want to give my heart and soul to anyone else. He will always be my love in spirit. I hope one day after I die and he dies I can find him in the afterlife and reunite with him. Unless he would rather be with his wife in the afterlife too. He understood me deeply more than anyone else ever did and accepted me for everything I was including my past. He truly loved me at one point and said he could still love me but let me go. He sent me a clip from 13 reasons why explaining how he felt. He told me if I was hurting he couldn’t hurt me more. And I needed someone in real life to love me because he couldn’t even be here to comfort me when I needed it. He was a very good man. Kindhearted, gentle, compassionate, wise, creative, intelligent and with many other good qualities. He also got easily jealous and worried he would lose me to someone else who I could have in my life but never in a controlling way. He was right about two to three of my guy friends that I had at some point that they would try to test the waters with me. I felt so stupid and I should have listened to him. I felt betrayed by my so called guy friends who did that. Most of the time he was right about situations. He was very perceptive and intuitive. My wonderful Sujeet kumal jha. I will never see or hear from him ever again. I will keep our memories alive in my heart even though we were virtually in a relationship. We got to know each other so well and he was very sure about me. I will never forget you, wonderful man and you will always be my prince and Superman in one. I will love him forever even though he had moved on with another woman. I hope this girl makes him happy and gives him a reason to live everyday. He was very affectionate and playful once you got know him. He had a friendly but shy personality. Which was very endearing. He got engaged and must be married for a while now. I don’t wish him any ill will because he wasn’t meant to be lonely and alone without a companion. He told me I gave him happiness as a girlfriend that he didn’t have before when he was all alone in the world outside of his family. His friends that he made abandoned him and forgot about him. This sensitive man was used to being forgotten and mistreated. It broke my heart. I will never forgot the love of my life he was there for me when I needed someone for eight years. Thank you sujeet for loving me once upon a time.