I Am In Love With Someone I Can't Have
Its really driving me insane. And i just need to talk about it.
There's this guy at school. We both study fine arts at a university. I know this isnt the sole reason I'm in love with him, but he's devastatingly handsome, really tall, has long gorgeous hair, ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL big brown sparkly puppy dog eyes. and the nicest arms you've ever seen. Hes SO sweet though. Always walking around smiling, and just really doing his best to make everyone's day just a little bit better. In that way, hes really influenced me to have joy and be nice to everyone I encounter. I'm just so drawn towards his soul. Its magnetic. The first time I met him was in the grocery store checkout line. And when I looked into his eyes the first time, that's when I knew. But I had no idea I'd ever be *this* head over heels for him. If I didn't know any better, I'd almost believe he casted a spell on me because quite literally, I'm under his spell.
But, sadly I can't have him because he has a gf. When I found out, it did something to me. I wasn't angry, I was just disappointed as all hell. That night I got a little tipsy at an art show and ended up locking myself into a classroom and painting until midnight. Then I went home and texted him this long drawn out thing. Told him I was in love with him but that I wasn't upset. But oh god I was. Not towards her, though. I've never had any negative feelings directly towards her.
Its still always so strange because he flirts with me all the time and I don't know if he means to do it or not but its messing with my head. Hes always staring at me and then looking away, when I photographed him last week, he kept making kissy faces thru the camera *with those damn gorgeous succulent lips and looking at me with those sultry eyes lord help me*, then when I complemented his singing, he said really loudly "Thanks baby!" I died. As if hearing him singing wasn't enough to kill me. I got back in my car later that night and noticed he had left a box of cookies in my car since my window was down and it was the sweetest thing. I just cant help thinking maybe he has feelings for me. I'm not imagining this stuff that keeps happening. Its like when I walk into the room, he goes from 'mr cool' to clumsy and awkward. He saw me walk into the room the other day and immediately tripped over something while knocking something else over. Then he was oddly interested in what I was doing. He may be really sweet with everyone, but not like this. Do you know how exhausting that would be? He doesn't knock shit over when anyone else walks into a room.
The problem is, I never really see him with his gf. Out of the 8 months they've been together, I've seen them a grand total of twice. When I see him at important events, she's never there. He never talks about her with anyone, and definitely not with me. But yet I can talk to his brother and he will mention it and make it sound like its going well. (his brother's a whole other story I'm not even getting into.)
Last night I had a dream he was carrying me around at school and I kept looking up at him into his eyes and rubbing his arm saying "you so strong". It was like a fairy tale. Then I noticed he was wearing my galaxy leggings. Then we were on a balcony and some kid ran up and pulled his pants and underwear down. He walked by me on his way into the house and said "you probably need a cigarette after that" next thing I knew, i was sitting at a table with him, our ceramics teacher, and another friend. I just kept gazing at him because he looked so beautiful under the lighting.
I'm just so lovesick. I can't eat much, I've lost a little weight, and I feel like I'm on the brink of losing my mind. But somehow I feel safe here. He makes it so easy for me to stay in this mindset. When he looks at me, it does something to me that I can't explain.
I know it's silly, but what if I cast a harmless little love spell on him? Imagining that actually working is really exciting to me right now. I just can imagine him being as obsessed with me as I am with him. It's titillating. Every part of my being craves him.
There's this guy at school. We both study fine arts at a university. I know this isnt the sole reason I'm in love with him, but he's devastatingly handsome, really tall, has long gorgeous hair, ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL big brown sparkly puppy dog eyes. and the nicest arms you've ever seen. Hes SO sweet though. Always walking around smiling, and just really doing his best to make everyone's day just a little bit better. In that way, hes really influenced me to have joy and be nice to everyone I encounter. I'm just so drawn towards his soul. Its magnetic. The first time I met him was in the grocery store checkout line. And when I looked into his eyes the first time, that's when I knew. But I had no idea I'd ever be *this* head over heels for him. If I didn't know any better, I'd almost believe he casted a spell on me because quite literally, I'm under his spell.
But, sadly I can't have him because he has a gf. When I found out, it did something to me. I wasn't angry, I was just disappointed as all hell. That night I got a little tipsy at an art show and ended up locking myself into a classroom and painting until midnight. Then I went home and texted him this long drawn out thing. Told him I was in love with him but that I wasn't upset. But oh god I was. Not towards her, though. I've never had any negative feelings directly towards her.
Its still always so strange because he flirts with me all the time and I don't know if he means to do it or not but its messing with my head. Hes always staring at me and then looking away, when I photographed him last week, he kept making kissy faces thru the camera *with those damn gorgeous succulent lips and looking at me with those sultry eyes lord help me*, then when I complemented his singing, he said really loudly "Thanks baby!" I died. As if hearing him singing wasn't enough to kill me. I got back in my car later that night and noticed he had left a box of cookies in my car since my window was down and it was the sweetest thing. I just cant help thinking maybe he has feelings for me. I'm not imagining this stuff that keeps happening. Its like when I walk into the room, he goes from 'mr cool' to clumsy and awkward. He saw me walk into the room the other day and immediately tripped over something while knocking something else over. Then he was oddly interested in what I was doing. He may be really sweet with everyone, but not like this. Do you know how exhausting that would be? He doesn't knock shit over when anyone else walks into a room.
The problem is, I never really see him with his gf. Out of the 8 months they've been together, I've seen them a grand total of twice. When I see him at important events, she's never there. He never talks about her with anyone, and definitely not with me. But yet I can talk to his brother and he will mention it and make it sound like its going well. (his brother's a whole other story I'm not even getting into.)
Last night I had a dream he was carrying me around at school and I kept looking up at him into his eyes and rubbing his arm saying "you so strong". It was like a fairy tale. Then I noticed he was wearing my galaxy leggings. Then we were on a balcony and some kid ran up and pulled his pants and underwear down. He walked by me on his way into the house and said "you probably need a cigarette after that" next thing I knew, i was sitting at a table with him, our ceramics teacher, and another friend. I just kept gazing at him because he looked so beautiful under the lighting.
I'm just so lovesick. I can't eat much, I've lost a little weight, and I feel like I'm on the brink of losing my mind. But somehow I feel safe here. He makes it so easy for me to stay in this mindset. When he looks at me, it does something to me that I can't explain.
I know it's silly, but what if I cast a harmless little love spell on him? Imagining that actually working is really exciting to me right now. I just can imagine him being as obsessed with me as I am with him. It's titillating. Every part of my being craves him.
31-35, F
