Do you ever miss the love of your life?

Separation could be because of break up, divorce, death or any other reason. I miss the love of my life even though he married someone else after I broke up with him to set him free from my problems. We were good friends for eight months after our breakup and then he quickly got engaged and broke off the friendship too. I feel so empty at times because I lost my near soulmate. He saved me for many years from considering taking my own life again. It was because of him I learned what unconditional love was and being understood and validated as a person. Sometimes I’m reminded of him from watching video clips from titanic, memoirs of a geisha, and wicked and wicked for good. Sujeet loved me and saved me from myself. He saw the best in me as broken into pieces as I was and treated me normally. He did not think anything was wrong with me until I had a mental breakdown and thought it was my life circumstances making me depressed and I needed to work hard to change my live and live the life I always wanted. He did not care about my mental health diagnoses, intersexuality, and pansexuality. He just saw a beautiful, special girl who caught his heart. I was the luckiest girl alive when I had him. Unfortunately, it was an online relationship and there were obstacles and my giving up on vocational courses that could have given me skills to make a decent income and have a remote, flexible career. I could have started making money and brought my ex boyfriend and myself together in real life. He tried to save up but between bills and financially providing for his aging parents there was hardly any money left each month. Even though he was an accountant, he was still not really well paid. He was.relying on me to bring us together and I failed him. After my mental breakdown and psychosis and I had been medicated back into reality, I felt I no longer deserved his love. I freed him from waiting around for me for years more and my mental illnesses. I wanted him to find someone more functional and thriving as an adult than I was. I wanted him to find someone financially independent and self sufficient with no severe mental illnesses. I also felt lonely sometimes in an online relationship though he Paid me a lot of attention and tried to make me feel cherished and loved from a long distance as he could. There are some days I wish I could just die in my sleep peacefully because I don’t have him anymore not even as a good friend. I also wish I wasn’t a burden on my family. I just want to die. Not by suicide, but natural causes warm and in comfort in my bed peacefully and painlessly during the night to early morning. No more worrying about medications and my future being independent and self sufficient. No more worrying my parents of what will become of me. No more worrying about myself, my family, my sister, and societal problems at large. No more wondering what my purpose in this life is or why I was born. I know my family and friends would miss me but I. Would be one less waste of space. No more having my parents pay for everything for me and me being on SSI welfare to help with my living expenses. I would finally be free from doubt and worry and could go back to god. I even wonder.if the love of my life would even care anymore if I am gone. He has not checked in on me in a year and a half. He doesn’t care about me anymore not even a response when I told him I lost both grandparents on my mothers side and had our dog euthanized. Not even when I was supposedly really sick. I wonder if he even got my messages or just throws them away now. Why do I still love a man who since getting engaged wants nothing to do with me? He told me we would always be good friends before meeting his bride. I just wish I could get over him already instead of having this ache in my heart.