I Miss You
Her death has been keeping me up lately. I mean it's 3:30 am and there are so many "what ifs...." running through my head.
The last time I saw her was Friday night when her 5 year old daughter Laina came over late around 6. I wasn't feeling good and was in bed and heard my son Conner playing Super Smash Bros. I heard Conner say "Laina" and heard Lainas voice and looked down and saw the kiddo. Usually I'd play a few games with them but I was really weak and laid back down. A while later I heard Mel's voice "Come on 'love' we got to go home'.I raised my head and saw her and she asked" Hey... You okay?".... "Just tired...but what's new"
"Well... Hope you feel better"... She would always say that to anyone who wasn't feeling good or had a cold or was really sick. 'Feeling better'.... I guess that was always something she wanted. To feel better.... to be happy.....without the pain, hurt and frustration.
There are so many' what ifs..' going through my head right now. What if I had gotten out of bed to hug Mel?
Sunday night we had a cake for a friend of mine, Vicky. Me and my son Kenny went to Baskin Robbins. What if we had invited Melanie over that night?
What if I had held off driving around doing errands Monday morning and instead walked over to see her? What if I told her husband Buddy about that conversation Mel and I had back in March? The one conversation that will haunt me.
I'm frustrated.... and angry at her. For leaving friends....for leaving family..... two beautiful kids who adored and loved her. She had so much to live for!!
When someone dies due to old age or a terminal illness you expecit. You make plans for family members. For a next door neighbor who was 25,has two beautiful kids and is married.... It hits you hard.
I guess I have mixed feelings now about people who want to end it. I don't like using the words 'commit suicide' because it...
1. Sounds like you're a criminal and...
2. You're dehumanizing the person
3. You place suicide on an emotional level (which it is) when you use 'end their lives'
People just want the pain to end. They're not really wanting to end their own lives. But it's the only way to stop the agony and pain.
There's a moment when you don't care about anything. You just want the hurt to stop. But then... ever so briefly you think of loved ones. You think about family, your kids... your brother and sisters. It's when nothing you can think about but the pain and when it overtakes every single fiber in you.... That's when you've made the decision and follow through. When you live hurt & pain and there's nothing else. I guess that's how Mel went through with it.
God I miss her.
The last time I saw her was Friday night when her 5 year old daughter Laina came over late around 6. I wasn't feeling good and was in bed and heard my son Conner playing Super Smash Bros. I heard Conner say "Laina" and heard Lainas voice and looked down and saw the kiddo. Usually I'd play a few games with them but I was really weak and laid back down. A while later I heard Mel's voice "Come on 'love' we got to go home'.I raised my head and saw her and she asked" Hey... You okay?".... "Just tired...but what's new"
"Well... Hope you feel better"... She would always say that to anyone who wasn't feeling good or had a cold or was really sick. 'Feeling better'.... I guess that was always something she wanted. To feel better.... to be happy.....without the pain, hurt and frustration.
There are so many' what ifs..' going through my head right now. What if I had gotten out of bed to hug Mel?
Sunday night we had a cake for a friend of mine, Vicky. Me and my son Kenny went to Baskin Robbins. What if we had invited Melanie over that night?
What if I had held off driving around doing errands Monday morning and instead walked over to see her? What if I told her husband Buddy about that conversation Mel and I had back in March? The one conversation that will haunt me.
I'm frustrated.... and angry at her. For leaving friends....for leaving family..... two beautiful kids who adored and loved her. She had so much to live for!!
When someone dies due to old age or a terminal illness you expecit. You make plans for family members. For a next door neighbor who was 25,has two beautiful kids and is married.... It hits you hard.
I guess I have mixed feelings now about people who want to end it. I don't like using the words 'commit suicide' because it...
1. Sounds like you're a criminal and...
2. You're dehumanizing the person
3. You place suicide on an emotional level (which it is) when you use 'end their lives'
People just want the pain to end. They're not really wanting to end their own lives. But it's the only way to stop the agony and pain.
There's a moment when you don't care about anything. You just want the hurt to stop. But then... ever so briefly you think of loved ones. You think about family, your kids... your brother and sisters. It's when nothing you can think about but the pain and when it overtakes every single fiber in you.... That's when you've made the decision and follow through. When you live hurt & pain and there's nothing else. I guess that's how Mel went through with it.
God I miss her.
