A story Ep 8/8 : The only one i've ever loved
Episode 8: The only one I’ve ever loved [part 1]
A romantic tragedy by Rudboy41
“Piglet I thought I lost you for a minute there, I turned around and I was 26, realizing it was not a minute at all.”
This is the desperate & sad story about the only girl I’ve ever loved. Had it not been for circumstances and my attitude of anxiety, this tragedy would not have happened. If I could find Nikki today; 5min with her would be too long, the empty silence, anxious holding back the years of things that needed to be said, now too late and out of time, but forever isn’t long enough to try and make up for our tainted past – this is my pain, this is my story.
It was my senior year of high school, having survived the boredom, frustration and endured the years leading up to this one by adopting a social mask in the form of Sebastian from the movie ‘Cruel Intentions’ *(see Ch.2)* My sole motive for staying in character was because I was bullied if I tried to be myself. I quickly learned the rules and sort solace behind the mask, but was I safe or trapped behind it?
Nikki was a typical boy crazy teen and a closet goth, she had the type of beauty that was understated. Her elfish features; long silver blonde hair, a blue eyed fair skinned girl that made a boy look twice b’coz you were curious if you could imagine comparing her looks to the darlings from movies or magazines you saw.
The first time I saw her, she was still in primary school and the lead in a crappy school play I was forced to watch, along with the rest of both the primary and high school, she caught my eye and I wondered what it would be like to kiss her.
Fast-forward two years.
Nikki was no angel. She had the ‘skank’ label at my school and you could see her out with a different boy almost every other weekend, she didn’t stay with one for too long. One would think she was out-going and extroverted but conversely Nikki was timid and unassuming, it turns out she got her best friends to do most of her talking for her and she did the rest.
We were strangers except for the fact that: one of her bff’s Sarah - was the sister of my friend Kelvin. We were strangers until the day that Sarah had a message for me. She sent it through my friend Justin it was typical high school dating technique.
Justin: Dude, guess what Sarah just told me? - Guess who likes you!
Me : Who?
Justin: Nikki dude, can you believe that shit, what you gonna do?
Me: Interesting, I’m gonna think about it..
Rationalize was a better word, I was excited that that girl from the play wanted me but this was dampened by anxiety over what people would think if I dated a ‘skank’. In my stuffy private school not many people dated skanks, a paradox (because then what made them skanky?) but as a consequence skanks usually ended up dating boys who weren’t exactly the cream of the crop. Dating “randoms” from other schools, as well as rough delinquent boys.
I was out of Nikki’s league but I saw the opportunity for my first lay. I was actually desperate to get anything because I was so shy with girls, All the girls I’d dated before had made the first move in one way or another but they didn’t “give out”. I viewed this close-mindedly as being the only opportunity for my first time as it was my last year in HS. I was attracted to the certainty that Nikki provided - that I was liked and sort after, and I didn’t hafto work for and therefore run the risk of getting rejected by Nikki.
I wanted her but knew that I couldn’t have her without hurting my reputation and risking humiliation.
So I had a challenge at hand, I didn’t realize it then but my challenge was the exact variation of Sebastian’s ‘bet’ in the movie, the variation being; that instead of boasting about my eventual conquest - for gains in reputation. I instead was to keep my conquest a complete secret so as not to hurt my reputation. I was going to epitomize his role in the movie, now in my own like, to such a close degree that it would break me in the end.
I was about to risk my fame and fall into an adulterous celebrity relationship, the type where the celebrity has his trophy wife everyone approves of and his secret skanky mistress on the side. Nikki was to be my mistress and my reputation was my “trophy wife”.
I told Justin and other “friends” nothing. I first spoke to Nikki alone one day, after school. I knew her dad picked her up late on certain days while most of the school had gone home, my perfect opportunity not to get judged by my peers, I asked for her number so that I could invite her to a friend’s 18th that Saturday.
That weekend she came to the party for me and we talked for a while, I could tell she only came for me and that she wanted to kiss me, that made me feel like a kid that knows he’s getting dessert after supper, I felt awesome and special. We had our first kiss and my heart came alive again – forgetting the long time since I’d last kissed a girl and felt affection, which was about two years earlier. I kissed her so passionately, I was so hungry. I didn’t care that my friends could see me at the party because it was a party a social “free-pass” for my reputation, because of all the excuses you could use, like the “I was drunk” excuse.
As the party was ending, we found ourselves outside under the clear night sky, it was her and I and the white elephant named “So are you going to ask me to be your girlfriend?” I smiled and said, “I had a good time tonight” and she says, “Wouldn’t you like the good times to continue?” – We had the type of conversation where the girl wants to know the deal (it was not my intention to ask her out, maybe until I’d slept with her, I wasn’t about to risk my reputation for anything less than that) – so I dodged the issue as best I could that night.
Cruel to be kind.
Saturday night was great. At school however Nikki would see a completely different person. She may have thought I was playing hard to get but I was really upholding a reputation. On weekends I could get with Nikki and cheat on my reputation but at school I was duty-bound to my Sebastian masquerade.
There I treated Nikki as if I hadn’t kissed her, let alone spoken to her, almost as if I didn’t know her at all. It was the start of a pattern: ice cold at school and fiery hot on the weekends. Ignoring her during the weeks at school made my lust greater and all the more satisfying when I tasted her kisses on the weekends to follow..
“You should jump from the frying pan into the fire..”
At first we only spoke over the phone and sms’s but as time went on Nikki and I got more daring and started having small chats at school too. Nikki tried her best to understand me, starting with showing her friends all my sms’s, which were quite cheesy, and asking for advice, which I hated her for doing especially after her one friend told me my sms’s were cheesy but girls will tell their girlfriends everything and there wasn’t much I could do about it.
I still mystified Nikki with my hot-n-cold behavior and she’d want to know why, again and again; asking me to explain. The conversation was usually Nikki saying something like, “You should jump from the frying pan into the fire..” And my response, “I don’t want a PG-13 relationship” – I had a different reason every time and they centered around girlfriend criteria she couldn’t meet, I implied that I’d only date her officially if she was willing to do _xyz_ (magically get everyone else to approve of you so I don’t get bullied for being with you) I obviously didn’t go right out and say, “change your skank status first”
I felt indifferent about how our “relationship” was progressing. It wasn’t my intention to hurt Nikki I thought how we were now was perfect: I don’t become another one of her fabled “flavours of the week”; my reputation stays intact and she doesn’t get mislead into believing that this is an actual relationship (we just get to be f**k buddies I hope) and neither of us gets hurt. Things were about to get interesting soon..
A romantic tragedy by Rudboy41
“Piglet I thought I lost you for a minute there, I turned around and I was 26, realizing it was not a minute at all.”
This is the desperate & sad story about the only girl I’ve ever loved. Had it not been for circumstances and my attitude of anxiety, this tragedy would not have happened. If I could find Nikki today; 5min with her would be too long, the empty silence, anxious holding back the years of things that needed to be said, now too late and out of time, but forever isn’t long enough to try and make up for our tainted past – this is my pain, this is my story.
It was my senior year of high school, having survived the boredom, frustration and endured the years leading up to this one by adopting a social mask in the form of Sebastian from the movie ‘Cruel Intentions’ *(see Ch.2)* My sole motive for staying in character was because I was bullied if I tried to be myself. I quickly learned the rules and sort solace behind the mask, but was I safe or trapped behind it?
Nikki was a typical boy crazy teen and a closet goth, she had the type of beauty that was understated. Her elfish features; long silver blonde hair, a blue eyed fair skinned girl that made a boy look twice b’coz you were curious if you could imagine comparing her looks to the darlings from movies or magazines you saw.
The first time I saw her, she was still in primary school and the lead in a crappy school play I was forced to watch, along with the rest of both the primary and high school, she caught my eye and I wondered what it would be like to kiss her.
Fast-forward two years.
Nikki was no angel. She had the ‘skank’ label at my school and you could see her out with a different boy almost every other weekend, she didn’t stay with one for too long. One would think she was out-going and extroverted but conversely Nikki was timid and unassuming, it turns out she got her best friends to do most of her talking for her and she did the rest.
We were strangers except for the fact that: one of her bff’s Sarah - was the sister of my friend Kelvin. We were strangers until the day that Sarah had a message for me. She sent it through my friend Justin it was typical high school dating technique.
Justin: Dude, guess what Sarah just told me? - Guess who likes you!
Me : Who?
Justin: Nikki dude, can you believe that shit, what you gonna do?
Me: Interesting, I’m gonna think about it..
Rationalize was a better word, I was excited that that girl from the play wanted me but this was dampened by anxiety over what people would think if I dated a ‘skank’. In my stuffy private school not many people dated skanks, a paradox (because then what made them skanky?) but as a consequence skanks usually ended up dating boys who weren’t exactly the cream of the crop. Dating “randoms” from other schools, as well as rough delinquent boys.
I was out of Nikki’s league but I saw the opportunity for my first lay. I was actually desperate to get anything because I was so shy with girls, All the girls I’d dated before had made the first move in one way or another but they didn’t “give out”. I viewed this close-mindedly as being the only opportunity for my first time as it was my last year in HS. I was attracted to the certainty that Nikki provided - that I was liked and sort after, and I didn’t hafto work for and therefore run the risk of getting rejected by Nikki.
I wanted her but knew that I couldn’t have her without hurting my reputation and risking humiliation.
So I had a challenge at hand, I didn’t realize it then but my challenge was the exact variation of Sebastian’s ‘bet’ in the movie, the variation being; that instead of boasting about my eventual conquest - for gains in reputation. I instead was to keep my conquest a complete secret so as not to hurt my reputation. I was going to epitomize his role in the movie, now in my own like, to such a close degree that it would break me in the end.
I was about to risk my fame and fall into an adulterous celebrity relationship, the type where the celebrity has his trophy wife everyone approves of and his secret skanky mistress on the side. Nikki was to be my mistress and my reputation was my “trophy wife”.
I told Justin and other “friends” nothing. I first spoke to Nikki alone one day, after school. I knew her dad picked her up late on certain days while most of the school had gone home, my perfect opportunity not to get judged by my peers, I asked for her number so that I could invite her to a friend’s 18th that Saturday.
That weekend she came to the party for me and we talked for a while, I could tell she only came for me and that she wanted to kiss me, that made me feel like a kid that knows he’s getting dessert after supper, I felt awesome and special. We had our first kiss and my heart came alive again – forgetting the long time since I’d last kissed a girl and felt affection, which was about two years earlier. I kissed her so passionately, I was so hungry. I didn’t care that my friends could see me at the party because it was a party a social “free-pass” for my reputation, because of all the excuses you could use, like the “I was drunk” excuse.
As the party was ending, we found ourselves outside under the clear night sky, it was her and I and the white elephant named “So are you going to ask me to be your girlfriend?” I smiled and said, “I had a good time tonight” and she says, “Wouldn’t you like the good times to continue?” – We had the type of conversation where the girl wants to know the deal (it was not my intention to ask her out, maybe until I’d slept with her, I wasn’t about to risk my reputation for anything less than that) – so I dodged the issue as best I could that night.
Cruel to be kind.
Saturday night was great. At school however Nikki would see a completely different person. She may have thought I was playing hard to get but I was really upholding a reputation. On weekends I could get with Nikki and cheat on my reputation but at school I was duty-bound to my Sebastian masquerade.
There I treated Nikki as if I hadn’t kissed her, let alone spoken to her, almost as if I didn’t know her at all. It was the start of a pattern: ice cold at school and fiery hot on the weekends. Ignoring her during the weeks at school made my lust greater and all the more satisfying when I tasted her kisses on the weekends to follow..
“You should jump from the frying pan into the fire..”
At first we only spoke over the phone and sms’s but as time went on Nikki and I got more daring and started having small chats at school too. Nikki tried her best to understand me, starting with showing her friends all my sms’s, which were quite cheesy, and asking for advice, which I hated her for doing especially after her one friend told me my sms’s were cheesy but girls will tell their girlfriends everything and there wasn’t much I could do about it.
I still mystified Nikki with my hot-n-cold behavior and she’d want to know why, again and again; asking me to explain. The conversation was usually Nikki saying something like, “You should jump from the frying pan into the fire..” And my response, “I don’t want a PG-13 relationship” – I had a different reason every time and they centered around girlfriend criteria she couldn’t meet, I implied that I’d only date her officially if she was willing to do _xyz_ (magically get everyone else to approve of you so I don’t get bullied for being with you) I obviously didn’t go right out and say, “change your skank status first”
I felt indifferent about how our “relationship” was progressing. It wasn’t my intention to hurt Nikki I thought how we were now was perfect: I don’t become another one of her fabled “flavours of the week”; my reputation stays intact and she doesn’t get mislead into believing that this is an actual relationship (we just get to be f**k buddies I hope) and neither of us gets hurt. Things were about to get interesting soon..
