An answer to a prayer
The situation with my mom has been weighing very heavily on my heart. I’m not the only one in my family who’s angry with her and feels like she’s never had any love for her own family (yet so much kindness towards others. Just never for us). And the hoarding situation has been adding to my sickness. I’m not doing that well lately. It’s as though she doesn’t care.
So I rant and rave to God about how I truly feel. And weeks have gone by, and I’m struggling to not give in to my old ways. I can’t be exploding with rage like when I was younger. Or despairing. I need this out of my heart. I can’t live with that again.
Today, I missed my church service. I went to my sister’s church with her instead. The pastor was funny. He reminded me a little of my dad in the way he joked. We were in 1 Timothy chapter 5. He started talking about parents, and treating elders with respect.
“Do you approach them as if you’re better than them and they don’t know what they’re talking about?” he said, “Because over the years that they’ve been your parents, they earned some respect.”
I haven’t been respectful. I can argue that my parents made me an authority figure as a child, dumped their responsibilities on me; and it screwed up any family dynamics we should have had. But that’s not good enough. God said respect your parents. And that’s it; no stipulations. Nothing in there says “unless they messed up” or “unless you were wronged in some way.” I’ve been viewing my mom as a burden I have to suffer. I felt justified, because she’s never been kind to me or any of my sisters (biological or even adopted). Well, that’s sin; what I’m doing.
God also says to care for widows. “Honor widows who are really widows.” (The elderly ones who aren’t going to be starting again in a new marriage.) She falls in that category. She rejects help, but the help I offered stemmed from a heart of judgment. I never came at her with respect, even though I’ve been gentle and tried to be understanding. I approached her, offering help, as someone who didn’t see her as an equal.
To end up going to hear a message where my fault and wrongs are very clearly pointed out… I can work with this. I can do better. He says respect her. I know that matters more than how unfair it feels. If it’s His way, it will work out in the end. Maybe if I’m more respectful towards her, her heart will change and she’ll let me truly clean the house. Finally.
So I rant and rave to God about how I truly feel. And weeks have gone by, and I’m struggling to not give in to my old ways. I can’t be exploding with rage like when I was younger. Or despairing. I need this out of my heart. I can’t live with that again.
Today, I missed my church service. I went to my sister’s church with her instead. The pastor was funny. He reminded me a little of my dad in the way he joked. We were in 1 Timothy chapter 5. He started talking about parents, and treating elders with respect.
“Do you approach them as if you’re better than them and they don’t know what they’re talking about?” he said, “Because over the years that they’ve been your parents, they earned some respect.”
I haven’t been respectful. I can argue that my parents made me an authority figure as a child, dumped their responsibilities on me; and it screwed up any family dynamics we should have had. But that’s not good enough. God said respect your parents. And that’s it; no stipulations. Nothing in there says “unless they messed up” or “unless you were wronged in some way.” I’ve been viewing my mom as a burden I have to suffer. I felt justified, because she’s never been kind to me or any of my sisters (biological or even adopted). Well, that’s sin; what I’m doing.
God also says to care for widows. “Honor widows who are really widows.” (The elderly ones who aren’t going to be starting again in a new marriage.) She falls in that category. She rejects help, but the help I offered stemmed from a heart of judgment. I never came at her with respect, even though I’ve been gentle and tried to be understanding. I approached her, offering help, as someone who didn’t see her as an equal.
To end up going to hear a message where my fault and wrongs are very clearly pointed out… I can work with this. I can do better. He says respect her. I know that matters more than how unfair it feels. If it’s His way, it will work out in the end. Maybe if I’m more respectful towards her, her heart will change and she’ll let me truly clean the house. Finally.
36-40
