She was so obsessed with the heart of others she could not see the bleeding heart in me. I regret that it all had to come out that way.. when I was at my worst.. at my lowest. I regret that it came out in such an unromantic way. It was pathetic and you can't take it back. I can't take it back, as much as I would like too. Unfortunately it would never have come out any other way.
She knew me for a year.. and of me years before that, but it isn't enough to unlock the beauty within her I never got a chance to reach. I saw it plenty of times, but never could I get close enough to touch it. Her flower always pointed in the direction of the sun of another. No... as painful as it is to say out loud. Her sun always pointed in the direction of others.. and that was never to be in the direction of me.
All the things I said.. hinted at.. wrote in poetic verse.. commented on.. and complimented her for.. and yet she never saw herself in those portraits. Always oblivious to the thing she always said she wanted... But the truth is.. as much as she wanted it from others.. she never wanted it from me.. and that's the hurt I can not seem to reconcile.
Time has passed and distance has soothed the sharpness of the sorrow, but like a ghost, to her light.. I will never be able to let go entirely So I haunt from a lonely and distant place. What a shame. Though I truly only have myself to blame. I must let go of the possibility of something I always had the dream I might some day meet.. the thought of her and me.. though it was never meant to be.
You really torment yourself, I did this to myself at one time, about your age, I learned over years if I tormented myself this way I would not be able to give the love I want to be able to give ever. I'd be lost in hurt. I don't know the hurt you suffered, I'll never pretend, but please never put it on them, even if you know they weren't ready. I promise this, you only have your window into them, and as real as it is feels; it's only a pinch of salt into their life. And I had my ex crying on, while an ex, my shoulder and heart while she lost her father to cancer. I was her closest connection to a life she had, the only one she knew.
I just fear you damage yourself more than you need in how you see things, you end up hurting yourself from seeing and being able to love in the future. To painfully hold onto love is not to be in love. There must be an old saying this way.
