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I ask you to please read and consider this. And then I have one final one I want to send you that could change your whole life right now. But here's the first thing to think about. I care about you so please read this.
https://similarworlds.com/christianity/believe-in-god/4535635-Its-not-the-size-of-your-mountain-its-whom-you
https://similarworlds.com/christianity/believe-in-god/4535635-Its-not-the-size-of-your-mountain-its-whom-you