I lost my lover and best friend and I feel my soulmate

And it is all my fault. I broke up with my ex boyfriend over three years ago because of my personal problems that I didn’t want him to have to deal with when I developed psychosis and realized what happened after coming back from it. He eventually found someone else to start a relationship with and got engaged to her. I assume he has been married for quite some time now. I loved him when we were together a lot and he ( I could feel it in my gut) truly loved me once upon a time. I broke his heart very badly for a time. We stayed friends for a while after our breakup but once he started dating or I should say courting his new girlfriend/fiancee he felt there could no longer be any friendship left. He left me for good. So much for always being friends even if we didn’t work out as lovers. He promised me we would always be good friends. I was happy for him to get engaged but also sad at the same time because I lost him completely. I would have supported his engagement because I love him and wanted him to be happy. I would never have tried to break apart his relationship or marriage. Having him as a friend would have been better than nothing. He was so worried his fiancee would feel suspicious and get different thoughts from me contacting him that he asked me to please not write him so much. What he meant was not at all because he never responded back to my replies to his last message sent to me. I feel he had. Forgotten all about me. Even when I told him about my cancer back last year to early this year. Radio silence…I love someone I cannot have and someone who has lost all care for me even as just a friend. I know it’s pathetic and sometimes I still cry when I listen to songs that remind me of him. I told him all about my grandparents dying ( mothers parents), our dog getting euthanized for aggression issues, my sister getting raped, and me developing cancer among other negative events that happened. It’s hard to believe this man once loved me so much because he ignored me completely when I looked for his support. I had no ideas of getting back together when he was dating and engaged. Even if he were single I wouldn’t want to hold him back in life so I wouldn’t have tried to get back together with him even then. I love him but know it was better for him to not be with me romantically. I let him find someone else for his own good. We both broke promises to each other. I broke my promise to always be with him as a girlfriend, then fiancee and wife until we were old. He broke his promise to me to remain my good friend for always even if our.lives took different paths. It took me a few months to a year to get over my old lovers nothing more. This one is taking years upon years. Yeah I loved him more intensely than I loved the others before him. It was only two boyfriends and a couple of dates with two men and two women in my younger years. Nothing came from those dates. And I only engaged with sexual activity( outercourse not anal oral or vaginal sex) with one boyfriend two years before I met Sujeet.. so it’s not like I had age a ton of experience with romantic relationships. I was his first girlfriend but now he has no room in his life for me even as a friend. It’s not my first relationship but it was my first true love if that makes sense. I loved my boyfriends before him but nothing like I felt for him. I wish the pain would leave but it’s not fading too much. The worst of it is over I think sometimes but then it comes back even when I think I’m doing ok. I realize there are worse situations such as losing someone you love to them dying or them being sick. I still sometimes feel depressed and cry. I miss him so much. There is nothing I can do but let him live his life. I will always remember him. I’ll be honest I started to get upset with him when he ignored my emails and messages. I was especially angry and sad when he ignored me when I told him last year that I had cancer. The thing is I really did have cancer. I don’t know if he thought I was trying to manipulate him into feeling sorry for me or what. Never a word. But even if he wanted to say something I’m sure he felt he couldn’t out of respect for his wife. God I never would try to have. torn them apart because I’m not a home wrecker and he’s not a cheater. Truthfully I just wanted my friend back. Yeah I still loved him but still would keep that to myself. At least he could have stayed my good friend even if we didn’t work as romantic lovers and significant others. But that’s just wishful thinking. I regret still to this day breaking up with him and ending the relationship we had. It was online and long distance but it was a close relationship. We told each other so much honestly about ourselves and our lives etc. I fear this grief is never going to fully fade even with another five or ten years passing. He left his handprint on my heart and my heart is permanently tattooed with his name on it. In spirit he will always be there even if he left. The essence of him and the memories will be always there. I yammer on about the same thing I know like a parrot. The pain dulls for a time then comes back strong. It’s because I lost my as close to a soulmate as I possibly had.