We used to love each other. Where did it all go wrong?
We've been together for 11 years. We chose not to get married because we were afraid of being trapped in a marriage that no longer worked. Living in the Philippines, where divorce is not legal, we knew that ending a marriage through annulment could cost a fortune. So we decided that being live-in partners was the better choice.
There was a time when we were so deeply in love. Of course, we had arguments and misunderstandings, but no matter how difficult things got, we always found a way to forgive each other and work things out. In those 11 years, we built a family and were blessed with two beautiful boys, whom I carried and gave birth to through C-section.
But this year, everything changed when we found out that our eldest son has autism.
Since then, life has become incredibly exhausting for both of us. The challenges of school, therapy, finances, and trying to understand and support our child have taken a toll on us. His struggles have become more difficult, and things have reached a point where the school decided that a homeschooling arrangement would be best for now. We've invested so much in therapy, both emotionally and financially, yet we still feel like we're not making progress.
I understand that we're both exhausted. I know that this journey is difficult, and I know that neither of us has it easy. But does being overwhelmed give us the right to hurt each other?
Last month, we had a very serious argument. It got so bad that we started saying things just to hurt one another. He called me evil. And somehow, that became the breaking point for me.
I can tolerate his anger, his frustrations, and even his tantrums. But disrespect is something I can no longer accept. Hearing him call me the most evil person he has ever met, saying he regrets ever meeting me, especially in front of our children, broke something inside me.
So I stopped.
For an entire month now, I haven't spoken to him unless absolutely necessary. We live under the same roof, but I treat him like a housemate rather than the person I once shared my life with. We go about our days as if we're strangers living in the same house.
And honestly, I don't know how we got here.
I keep asking myself, where did all the love go? What happened to the two people who used to find ways to forgive each other? When did we become people who could hurt each other with words we can never take back?
I think about everything I've done, everything I've sacrificed, and all the times I've put my family before myself. I've tried to hold things together, even on days when I was barely holding myself together. I'm not even someone who constantly nags or demands so much. I've tried to understand, to adjust, and to keep going despite everything life has thrown at us.
But is this really what I get in return?
I know we're going through one of the hardest chapters of our lives. Raising a child with additional needs is a journey neither of us expected, and perhaps somewhere along the way, we both lost ourselves trying to survive it.
But I never thought that the person I once considered my safe place would become the person who could hurt me the most.
I don't know if we're just going through a difficult season or if we've slowly become people who no longer know how to love each other. All I know is that I'm tired. Not just physically, but emotionally. And for the first time in 11 years, I'm beginning to wonder if love alone is still enough to keep us together.
There was a time when we were so deeply in love. Of course, we had arguments and misunderstandings, but no matter how difficult things got, we always found a way to forgive each other and work things out. In those 11 years, we built a family and were blessed with two beautiful boys, whom I carried and gave birth to through C-section.
But this year, everything changed when we found out that our eldest son has autism.
Since then, life has become incredibly exhausting for both of us. The challenges of school, therapy, finances, and trying to understand and support our child have taken a toll on us. His struggles have become more difficult, and things have reached a point where the school decided that a homeschooling arrangement would be best for now. We've invested so much in therapy, both emotionally and financially, yet we still feel like we're not making progress.
I understand that we're both exhausted. I know that this journey is difficult, and I know that neither of us has it easy. But does being overwhelmed give us the right to hurt each other?
Last month, we had a very serious argument. It got so bad that we started saying things just to hurt one another. He called me evil. And somehow, that became the breaking point for me.
I can tolerate his anger, his frustrations, and even his tantrums. But disrespect is something I can no longer accept. Hearing him call me the most evil person he has ever met, saying he regrets ever meeting me, especially in front of our children, broke something inside me.
So I stopped.
For an entire month now, I haven't spoken to him unless absolutely necessary. We live under the same roof, but I treat him like a housemate rather than the person I once shared my life with. We go about our days as if we're strangers living in the same house.
And honestly, I don't know how we got here.
I keep asking myself, where did all the love go? What happened to the two people who used to find ways to forgive each other? When did we become people who could hurt each other with words we can never take back?
I think about everything I've done, everything I've sacrificed, and all the times I've put my family before myself. I've tried to hold things together, even on days when I was barely holding myself together. I'm not even someone who constantly nags or demands so much. I've tried to understand, to adjust, and to keep going despite everything life has thrown at us.
But is this really what I get in return?
I know we're going through one of the hardest chapters of our lives. Raising a child with additional needs is a journey neither of us expected, and perhaps somewhere along the way, we both lost ourselves trying to survive it.
But I never thought that the person I once considered my safe place would become the person who could hurt me the most.
I don't know if we're just going through a difficult season or if we've slowly become people who no longer know how to love each other. All I know is that I'm tired. Not just physically, but emotionally. And for the first time in 11 years, I'm beginning to wonder if love alone is still enough to keep us together.
31-35, F
