shame of past

I am so annoyed at myself for having casual sex in the past. It was a very short period of time, and I don’t know why I did it. I guess I thought I was meant to be having sex like everyone else.

I didn’t even enjoy it, but I never regretted it after the act. I didn’t feel a connection to any of them and didn’t give a rat’s ass.

But it wasn’t until I fell in love and actually started to enjoy sex with my boyfriend that I looked back and thought, “WTF was I doing? Trying to fit in like that?”

I was always way too nice, too, and I’m not that way anymore. If a guy I didn’t like was showing interest in me, I wouldn’t tell him to get lost because I felt bad that he was interested in me. I’ve always been too nice and empathetic. It’s one of my faults when it comes to friends walking all over me and me not saying anything.

But that was the past. I’m way better at that now. I can tell people to get lost, and I can’t even dream of having casual sex again.

At the time, I thought it was cool and, like, I don’t know, I guess I thought guys liked sluts. I remember my friend telling me her body count was 10 when I was a virgin, and I thought she was more wanted for that reason.

Nobody cared that I was a virgin when I told them. They treated me the same, and I didn’t do it until I was 20 because I wanted to get it over with, as I felt weird for being one.

Now it’s like everyone cares all of a sudden, and I care too. I don’t know how I could have been so stupid.

So many people want me now, and I’d never go near any of them in a million years if I was single. I’d be celibate.

I’ve only slept with six people, but I feel like it’s still too high, and I deeply regret it now.