Losing the love of my life has been eye opening for me

Ever since losing the love of my life I have felt empty even though I have family that loves and protects me. I have a friend or two who care about me. But I have to move on without him because he is not apart of my life anymore even though in spirit he will always remain because of our memories together and the bond we shared. But he no longer cares about me even as a friend it seems. When I told him I had cancer last year he never responded. I had beat my cancer early on this year but it was a few months of worry and hell. Though he married someone else, it wouldn’t have been infidelity to simply talk to me and ask me how I was doing. But he thought staying friends with me was a bad idea after he started dating and gotten engaged to his now I’m assuming wife. I never would have tried to take him away from his new love. And he is not a cheater either. Yet me being in contact with him or writing him too much might make his girlfriend/fiancee suspicious and make her get different thoughts about being with him. That’s what he told me. I broke his heart eight months before he got engaged. He wished me to please take care of myself and have a good life. Before he met his fiancee he answered my question that of course we would always be good friends even if we didn’t work out as boyfriend and girlfriend, but ended up not keeping that promise. I didn’t keep my promise to always be his girlfriend and eventually fiancee and wife when I broke him with him because of my personal problems. It had everything to do with me and nothing to do with him. He was wonderful. But we also had many obstacles to making our long distance online relationship become real life. I wish I hadn’t had a psychotic break from reality over three years ago either. So many personal issues and I tried to set him free so he wouldn’t have to deal with my issues although he didn’t run away when my parents told him I was in a psychiatric hospital. He thought for almost two weeks I was ignoring him! Isn’t that terrible? I will never live what I did down. To this day l still love him even though i was a screwed up mess. He thought that what I needed was someone in real life to love me and he thought it was better for me that way although he also wanted to get back together with me at the same time. My issues were I had low motivation to change my life and I gave up on my studies online because I got flustered and overwhelmed with course content and final exams. The courses would have given me skills for a career and decent job. It would have been many more years before I got my life together and lived on my own. Why make him wait so long? I had mental illnesses and realized the scope of what I had done when the medication worked and brought me back to reality. I was depressed, schizophrenic, had ptsd, and anxiety. I realized the predicament I put Sujeet and my family in. I thought the neighbors were in trouble and spying on my family previously. I called the police on my neighbors which was so bad even if I thought someone was hurting themselves I should have never called the police. I’m lucky the neighbors didn’t sue me or my family. I’m lucky in the sense I wasn’t arrested and sent to jail for falsifying police reports.i almost was but the cops realized when my sister called from the same address that I was mentally ill, they sent me to the hospital instead with a warning to my parents if I did it again I would be arrested. But I wasn’t lucky that I had to go to a psychiatric hospital for two weeks. What a mess. Truthfully I’m still completely ashamed. I pretended to agree with the doctors at the hospital that I was delusional so I could be released early. It wasn’t until a month on the medication that I truly realized I was delusional. That’s when I broke up with my ex boyfriend. Also though he paid me a lot of attention as much as he could from India I felt a little lonely in an online long distance relationship. My sister said she wasn’t surprised a long time later that I felt a little lonely because I was essentially dating someone through a computer. I should not have felt a bit lonely because if I was focused on my life goals which would have brought my ex and I to a real life relationship financially, I could have avoided this. He told me many months later he saw something like this happening if I didn’t finish my courses and that’s part of the reason he was constantly asking was I close to finishing my courses online. He wanted me to be independent so I could bring both of us together. He needed me to be the one to do it because he didn’t have enough money saved up to be able to come see me. He worked as an accountant at a company that didn’t pay too much especially by western standards. He never had enough at the end of each month. He wanted me to be independent and to be able to live on my own and financially support myself like my family did. Later on my parents would apply for disability for me because they thought I definitely qualified. With mental illnesses and financial independence not on the horizon. How long would it have been for him to wait for me? And he thought later would the relationship work out for us like it would virtually. He thought since I was hurting, he really didn’t want to make me be emotionally hurt more than I already was suffering. As I mentioned he started thinking I needed someone who was in real life close by to love me. Part of him wanted to get back together with me when I asked him to take me back but part of him knew we couldn’t last the way we were going. So we decided to be friends at first only talking via email and similarworlds and not in real time chat on WhatsApp so we wouldn’t stay as easily attached. He came back to WhatsApp for about two months to talk with me in real time a few months later but ended that when he realized I was stuck in the past. Anyway I started losing him about mid late January 2024 when he went on his first and second date with a woman he met the month before out on his local travels. He went last minute instead of having our friendship movie date for Christmas week to give me a holiday present and to make me smile. He also got more busy at work so he could talk to me less though he still messaged me and emailed me. Over a month went by with no word which wasn’t like him. Sure a few days sometimes or same day with shorter replies. He got engaged within two to two and half months of knowing this girl which is rather common in India. He told me she was so kind and agreeable and he thought it was good to have someone by his side. I wouldn’t have begrudged him that. I wrote to him a lot I admit and I was honest about how I was feeling sometimes. Three and half months before he sent me a video clip from 13 reasons why saying I can love you and still let you go. He loved me but was saying it was just best to be friends. He missed me and hoped I would find peace. With that being said he talked to me on WhatsApp as a friend. We sometimes admitted to each other if was hard for us to be in this situation. So when he asked me to not write too much once he got engaged, I thought he meant not too much but what he meant was not at all because he never answered back any of my emails and messages again. Please take care and have a good life indeed. He told me I shouldn’t think so much about him and should focus on my own life like making new friends and working on getting a career so then I could move where I wanted and enjoy my life, etc. that was the last message I ever received and I was devastated. He closed the door permanently on me. I had no hopes of getting back together especially after he told me was dating and engaged to this woman. I would have just been his good friend and that’s it. Nothing more even if I was aching and sad on the inside. I didn’t want him to be lonely and miserable. I let him go so he could find someone else and he did find out he was lovable. Long story short our relationship and friendship did not survive. Our bond was completely broken and to this day I doubt he thinks much of me anymore. I hope he is happy and at peace. He abandoned me but I understand why. I wonder if his life got much better for him including with making more of a salary with his work. He had tech dreams of working in web design and development. I hope he didn’t give that up. Anyway now I just have to let him live his life and know he is in a better place with someone who can give everything I couldn’t. Love was not enough to solve our obstacles and my problems. I have no doubt he used to love me by the way he treated me and looked at me. He told me he loved me many times. He wanted a future with me before I broke up with him. We even talked about living together and getting married so he could stay with me. My therapist asked me if he asked me for money. And the truth was no he didn’t and I never sent him any money. I was his first love to be honest. He was not my first love but was my true love. I hope he is doing well now and when I close my eyes I see him in my dreams. He is in my thoughts and prayers. I will always be in love with him even if someday I change my mind about finding someone else. I don’t think I’ll ever be loved the way he loved me ever again. He has a happy ending which he deserves. I am a heartbroken mess who has to distract myself from thinking about him. I don’t think about him everyday but when I do it still hurts even though he is long gone. I told him and explained what happened later that I was mistaken in my beliefs and delusional before when I broke up with him. He believed me when I told him what was going on even if was hard to believe. He agreed that I had schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder in retrospect since he researched about it. He was still my friend for a few months after that revelation. But I guess eventually his love for me faded with time especially as his new love now wife I’m assuming came into his life. I mean he used to call me his crazy girl but what kind of life could I give him when it turned out I was truly crazy? He also must have been relieved secretly to have dodged such a bullet though he told me being schizo didn’t change the way he felt about me and he accepted that as my friend. It was just life moved on and he didn’t want or need me in his life anymore. What made me angry was not that he found someone else it was that he stopped being my friend and abandoned me even though others did that to him and he knew what it was like to feel unwanted, ignored, misunderstood, and left behind. I wanted him back in my life as a good friend but he ignored me the few times I reached out trying to preserve the friendship. I told him all the negative circumstances that happened in my and my family”s life.he never responded back. He opened my messages a couple of times but never responded back jeez. I know his wife takes priority and he wanted harmony in his relationship and marriage and I would be a source of mistrust for his wife towards me and him if I stayed in the picture. I just thought we were always meant to stay in each others lives but it was not to be. He ditched me and there is no getting around it. Maybe he had enough of needy and crazy. I clung to him but in the end was ripped apart. I wonder if we still would have been together today if I had not broken up with him. My sister told me long term our relationship was not sustainable and it would have plateaued. I don’t know anymore…