I never got over the love of my life but I have to move on with my life

I’m still hurting three years later even though I know he is happier now that he found his wife. I know breaking up with him was for the best now but I still love him and ache for him some days. I just wanted to protect him from myself and set him free so I wouldn’t hold him back in life. And I felt a little bit lonely in an online long distance relationship but that was not his fault because he paid me as much attention as he could from far away. I let him go for his own good but it was one of the hardest decisions I ever made. And when I asked him to get back together a few weeks later because I thought I made a huge mistake he said he felt I needed someone closer to home to love me and he didn’t want to hurt me even more than I was already hurting as much as he wanted to get back together with me. It was my mental illnesses and low motivation to change my life and laziness that made me realize I couldn’t offer him a future soon enough the way I was. He would have to put up with so many problems I had and would be waiting many more years for me to get my life together and for me to grow up and take care of myself especially psychologically and financially. I was a mess. I had a psychotic break from reality too. While I was institutionalized for two weeks before my parents told him what was going on he thought I was ignoring him. That’s horrible. The worry I put that poor man through. Sometimes I still listen to songs that remind me of him and silently cry somewhat. Ending our seven to eight year long relationship was tragic. I never got over him. And it still breaks my heart today. I lost him twice. Once as a boyfriend and another as a friend when he decided to stop being my friend after dating and getting engaged to his wife eight months after our breakup. I’m guessing he is happy now and he didn’t even care enough to check in on me when I told him I had cancer ( early stages) last year. His goodbye was final no matter what. I beat the cancer early this year. Now I have to move on while still keeping him in my heart. I have other things I need to focus on too like career training courses with certificates of completion and diplomas so I am able to get remote, flexible careers/jobs, and eventually going back to university to finish my degrees. I have to worry about learning independent living skills so I can eventually live on my own and take care of myself with supports in place. I have hobbies/interests/talents/passions/skillsets/aptitudes to cultivate to advanced skill levels. I have to learn to create a life for myself. He will never be a part of my life again. And truthfully there is nothing he can do for me all the way in India that he didn’t try to do when we were together as a couple and then just friends. He encouraged and advised me to finish my studies so I could learn skills to financially support myself. He listened to my problems and celebrated my small triumphs with me. He was the best and I ruined any chance of a real life relationship happening between us. Sometimes love does not find a way to remove obstacles in your path. Also he was broke. I mean he had an accounting job but it didn’t pay much and by the end of every month financially supporting himself and helping support his aging parents, he didn’t have enough left over to save enough to come see me in the future. He was relying on me to be the one who brought us together. He never asked me for money as my therapist asked me. The implication made me cringe. So many circumstances against us. Love was not enough to overcome it. I admit I shouldn’t have stopped my online lifetime access studies when I got confused and overwhelmed on course content and final exams. I quit things very easily in my life when things got hard or I didn’t learn fast enough. It’s enough to make me wonder if I have an intellectual disability as well as psychiatric mental health disabilities. Sujeet is never far from my thoughts and dreams. I can’t stop loving him no matter if I let him go. He probably doesn’t think about me much anymore and his feelings probably faded over time because he has a companion and life mate in his wife. I just wish this hole on my heart would go away but it is not. Sure it is less intense then when I first developed it, but the pain hasn’t completely gone away. Though I didn’t want him to be lonely and miserable, it took him eight months to move on. That was very quick. And he abandoned me as a friend when he got engaged. I was so upset. He didn’t want to make his then girlfriend suspicious or unable to trust him though I would have never tried anything. Being friends with an ex girlfriend is an awkward situation I know. He loved me before but thought staying my friend was going to make his fiancee suspicious and jealous. He wanted a new chapter of his life I assume. Well I tried to contact him to please have him keep our friendship intact but he never answered any of my emails or messages again. He closed the door on me. Sometimes love fades away. I emailed him and told him about the negative events that were happening in my life and not a word. So I gave up. I had no choice but to let him go. I just have to face the music he doesn’t care about me anymore even as a friend. He doesn’t care at all. That hurts the most. The silence is very telling. He was once madly in love with me but once I hurt him that was it. Now, I have to realize there is no going back not even to the friends we were before we got into a long term relationship. He was the one who got away. He was my home. Now, I’m empty. I have family and friends who care about me but I don’t think anyone will love me the way he did before. My heart is broken in two but at least he got his happy ending. I wish I was his happy ending. I wish I was his life mate and lover until the end. But it didn’t turn out that way. What can I say or do? I just have to do the best I can without him. See he will always be here in spirit in my thoughts, prayers, and memories. The love is gone from his side and I just have to accept that. I hope he is happy with his wife and his life improved for him as time went on. Sometimes loving someone means making a sacrifice to ensure the other person’s happiness even if causes pain. That’s what I did. And I know Sujeet would want me to be strong and happy. He would want me to find someone else to love me. He thought by not getting back together with me before he met his wife that it was better for me not to be with him in the long term so I could find someone to love me closer to home . What a tragic mess. But who could blame him after I broke his heart? He gave me his all and unintentionally I ruined it. It is my fault we came apart. I have to learn to forgive myself because I will go crazy otherwise. People tell me he is my past now and I should take the good I had from the relationship and the nice memories but let it go to give myself peace. I know that’s what I should do to not drive myself nuts. But I close my eyes and he’s there sometimes. I look at couples out and about in public and I feel wistful. Others tell me I will find someone else in due time but I don’t think I will ever find someone who makes me feel the way I do. The way I loved and looked at Sujeet. The way he loved and looked at me with those warm dark brown eyes. The way he saw into my soul. I know I sound like a parrot constantly repeating the same thing continuously. I’m told one day I will be ok but I don’t believe that to be honest. Sure I pretend to be ok but before I had my breakdown I thought we would always be there for each other. Sujeet told me yes we would always be good friends even though we did not work out as significant others when I asked. This was before he met his then girlfriend and fiancee. I wished for some miracle to happen to bring us together long before this happened. I asked my parents if they would consider helping me bring him here but they said they didn’t know much about him and wouldn’t do it. Our love did not last more than seven to eight years. I wish we met in person and grew old together.

My sister says I was dating someone on a computer for seven to eight years. No wonder I got a little bit lonely. Now my ex boyfriend knows what’s it like to have an in person relationship and can probably feel the difference. He was not my first romantic partner. He was my third. But he was different from all the others even if the others treated me kindly as well. We were 23 when we met on experience project., both so young and lost in the world. We both felt like we didn’t belong. We had a lot in common yet were different in other ways. He was a rare personality that one. We met when similar worlds was experience project. The love of my life haunts me to this day. I will never forget him and everything he did for me when we were together as a couple. I was his first love but he found his second love and life mate who will be his companion until he grows old and dies. Love is a beautiful thing. Don’t give up on it if you have your soulmate and true love with you. I know he would have waited for me for a while longer. He used to get very upset when I asked him if he would rather be with someone else closer to home for instance. He said don’t say things like that because he was set on me. He did put me first for the time we were together. Now he puts his wife first. The thing is he is extremely loyal to the lady he loves., he is not a cheater at all and the truth is I’m not a home wrecker at all. I would have just been his good platonic friend though I still would have had feelings for him but I would keep them to myself. I would have supported his relationship and marriage and behaved had he just given me the chance. I could have even become friends with his wife. That way I could still have had him in my life and not been completely heartbroken. I would have been only partially heartbroken. This man had told me goodbye two years and seven months ago. Nothing I said made him change his mind. I hope he is happy even when I am suffering. I’m sure he is at peace now. It feels like he died but I know he is alive. The ghost of the past still haunts me. He will always be there with me in spirit though not physically or virtually present in my life anymore. He is like a handprint lasting on my heart and is tattooed in my soul forever.