i don’t think i truly love him

im not sure i even love him and it sickens me because im always saying that i do but deep down i dont feel the same type of way i felt before everything happened. it’s like i instantly got the ick but i love talking to him and he gets me so well like no other. i feel sick to my stomach because my mom doesn’t approve of him and the only persons opinion i truly care about is my mom and i feel so nauseous just thinking about how im betraying her trust and her each day we talk. i love having his presence and eyes in my life but i also dont want to spend my whole like just being “comfortable”, i want to spend however much i want without the need to feel guilty in spending his money. i shouldn’t just marry someone just because hes a safe choice. the fact that he wants to marry me in 5-6 years and he thinks that i can just be reserved for him during that time is obscene. im no ones reservation. no one should own me and why would i wait for someone when i can just keep my options open.

what do i do