I’ll never forget my old lover and best friend

Sujeet was my lover and best friend so long ago. It has been almost two years eight months (three years) since I broke up with him to let him find a life partner who was more healthy for him and a relationship he could have in real life easily. It’s been two years since he stopped being friends with me after our breakup since he got engaged. He told me goodbye in a tender, affectionate way wishing me happiness, to take care of myself, and to live a good life. I miss him everyday. I will always keep our memories alive and imprinted on my heart. He was my first true love though I dated two others before him. I keep his pictures he sent me on my phone. He is a good virtuous man who didn’t feel right being friends with an ex girlfriend while he was courting and got engaged to another woman. One thing I loved about him is he was always devoted and committed to me when we were together. I was his first everything. His first love definitely. He was very much like me sexually conservative and did not share himself in that way with someone unless he was deeply in love with them. If things had worked out between us, we would have been married and living together now. But my mental breakdown contributed to me breaking up with him because I thought I no longer deserved him and I felt at times a little lonely in a virtual long distance relationship. But mostly because I felt guilty about the way I sometimes did not pay him as much attention when I was depressed and tried to suffer it alone and for making him feel ignored and unloved at times. I also felt guilty for worrying him when I went to a psychiatric hospital for two weeks and had no access to my mobile phone to tell him what was going on. My parents had to tell him on WhatsApp what was going on and Sujeet told them to keep him updated of my status until I came home. He didn’t ditch me when I was at the mental hospital. It was my fault things ended between us. I hoped he would take me back a few days later when I realized I made a huge mistake but he said he was not going to make me suffer more and that being broken up so I could find someone in real life to love me was best for my future. He wanted to remain friends though and keep in contact through email and similarworlds.com but not live real time chat on WhatsApp because he didn’t want us to have to be too attached to each other during this period of separation. He came back to WhatsApp two Decembers ago when from how depressed I was talking he was worried I would do something wrong to myself. He offered me a Christmas present to go on a friendship movie date to watch Harry Potter and long of the rings for Christmas week. He ended up taking a trip at last minute though locally to travel and explore by himself and we didn’t do that video call movie watching friendship gathering. He talked with me on WhatsApp for a month and a half and eventually left again because he thought it was not helping me get over the past. He told me I should focus on my future because my future I could change but my past was done and I could not change it. He tried to have me find a solution for my future. He met his future wife on his travel outside Delhi and started going on dates with her by mid-late January.2024 and was engaged to her by late March 2024. I was losing Sujeet after his work instilled cctv cameras and he was no longer the only finance accountant in his workplace and from February 18 when we last had a conversation to March 21 where he explained his situation that he did not want to make his fiancée suspicious and have different thoughts about their relationship so he asked me to please not write him so much and he told me goodbye. He said he had been very busy. he was sorry he couldn’t respond back. He got engaged and was dating that girl and he thought it was good to have someone by his side. He told me she was very kindhearted and that I shouldn’t think about him so much and I should be focused on making friends and having a career because after I had a career I could move anywhere and enjoy my life. He told me after not to please not write him too much he told me to please take care and have a good life. He signed off with his name Sujeet. That was devastating but I started it when I broke up with him in emotionally distressing moments after I realized I had a psychotic break from reality. He did the only healthy thing he could do and move on. I just wish he didn’t have to stop being my friend because I would have supported him with his new love even if I was sad and it broke my heart. He obviously thought his fiancee would be suspicious and upset of our friendship even though the actual romantic relationship had been over for eight months by this time. Before he met his wife, he still loved me like I loved him. He sent me a video clip from 13 reasons why saying a good friend once said to me I can love you and still let you go. So Hannah, I love you. I let you go. I miss you. I hope wherever you go next you find peace. You feel safe in a way that you never did here. Wherever you go next, I hope you know I love you. This was Clay Jensen’s eulogy at Hannah baker’s funeral. That was Sujeet’s way of telling me though he loved me and wished he could get back together with me, but he had to let me go for both his and my sakes. Then he said with that cleared as he could only be my friend, he text messaged me on WhatsApp again for a few weeks. Sujeet feit he had to leave after though because I couldn’t get over how I regretted the past and was doing that for me. He had at the end of our relationship concerns whether we would really get along as easily as we did online in real life. I don’t blame him. So there were doubts as the end though for most of the relationship he was like 98% certain about me and he felt we would be really compatible because of similar feelings of feeling lost and misunderstood in the world, similar values. And we both liked learning languages and foreign cultures and intellectual and creative hobbies and passions. We had similar life goals in many respects a wish to travel for example or not wanting any children. I can honestly say he fell in love with my mind first because we met on experienced project first. Then we exchanged pictures and phone numbers to talk to each other on WhatsApp. And usernames and such on Skype. We were friends first but it turned to love. We still talked on experience project sometimes and he asked me to please be with him. It was so endearing and lovable. We exchanged emails, text messages, phone calls and video calls on a constant basis. We also both came to similarworlds when the website changed. We wished to be together in real life but he didn’t have the money to travel so far and visit me though he tried to save up. I didn’t have the money to make a financially independent and secure life for myself as I didn’t finish. My online vocational courses that would led me to skills that would lead to a job with certificates of completion and diplomas or my university degrees. He waited like 7- 8 years for me to get my life together. We knew each other since we were 23. I broke it off with him crying my eyes out the summer before I turned 31. He said later on it looks like we weren’t going to be a real life couple. Very soon so it was better to stay broken up and remain friends. I was young and beautiful and I could find someone else he told me. As much as he wanted to get back together he realized it was not good for my future and sometimes he felt because he had been my boyfriend he might have held me back from finding someone who could help me become independent. I used to ask him at times if he would rather not be with someone who had her life together or closer to where he lived so he could have a real life relationship. He used to get so upset and said why was I saying such hurtful things and he chose me to be his love. He also wondered how he managed to find a girlfriend like me he said I was beautiful and intelligent., etc. so many years in limbo. He used to urge me to finish my courses online so I could become independent and start making my own money. I got stuck on the course content and final exams and gave up on the classes quite a bit. We often described the life we would have together and hoped it would happen. He would talk for hours on video call on the weekends and found out about each others pasts and families.. dreams for the future and everything in between. He texted me twice a day everyday during the week. I could tell him anything. We grew to love each other within the first few months of knowing each other. That includes the friendship part. He listened to my triumphs and troubles and encouraged me and advised me. He told me about personal experiences he had. And some of his troubles. He cared and sought out my advice and opinions on different topics. we grew so comfortable with each other. We made love virtually on top of the virtual meal dates and movie dates we shared and just talking about the deep philosophical questions of life and mundane topics. Also he said he felt closer to me that I trusted him so completely to go that way. We wanted to eventually marry. And live together. He would have given up life in his country of India. To come live with me in America . He just needed a way to figure out how to keep supporting his aging parents with his brother because his job as an accountant was in India. I would have gladly moved to India if I had been a functional thriving adult to be with him as long as I had a remote flexible schedule career I could do from anywhere. Plus the cost of living would have been so much cheaper compared to the U.S. he said I would be in for a shock in India. But he thought i might like certain towns and cities yet he said he could live in hell with me so long as I was there. There were enough obstacles to overcome without my indecision, low frustration tolerance to finish my courses and education and mental health problems into the picture. In the end, he found someone else and is living happily with her as far as I know. I assume they have been married for at least a year and. A half if not more. Maybe a year and ten months. I’m partly happy for him he found someone else to love who is very nice. But I’m partly sad because that means he left me behind and I could never have him again. In the end, it was better for him to find someone he could be with in real life and not have to uproot his whole life and leave his country and family. If I were financially well off before, I would have had no problems to pay to help him see his family on a regular basis and to help him support his family and to help support my family. I tried to write him to get him to change his mind about staying my friend but he never responded back not even when I told him I had cancer. It was very sad. I stopped writing and just gave up to let him live his life without any interference from me. What could I do? I just hope for his blessings, love, and prosperity in life. I want him fo be happy and personally fulfilled. I hope he lives a long full life force of love and laughter. I hope he has financial security an prosperity etc. I love him even we went our separate ways and just because he doesn’t talk to me anymore it doesn’t mean that our love has died. We live on for each other through our memories and he will always be mine in spirit. My therapist and others say there is no way to know for sure. But I keep the hope alive that he at least thinks of me sometimes. I sent him a couple of messages on Snapchat and the delivery method said opened. But maybe he forgot they were from me. I miss him and love him but I had to let him go for his happiness and future. My wonderful, loving Sujeet he will always be to me. Sometimes I still cry because of losing him but I know he is with someone who can make him happier than I could. I’ll never forget him though. There will always be a space for him in my heart. I don’t know if I will be single for the rest of my life ( most likely) or if I will find someone else who accepts me the way I am like he did. But even if I move on to someone else, Sujeet will always be who I love the most. No one can take his place. What I wouldn’t give just to see him and talk to him again even as just platonic friends. I would enjoy hearing about his life since his engagement and any changes that have taken place. I miss our philosophical conversations and I miss talking about anything and everything. I miss having him love me because there was no greater honor than to have his love. I will be ok someday as time dulls the pain. It doesn’t completely erase it but it numbs it enough that you continue on with your life. What choice do I have? I lost the love of my life but gained the experience of being unconditionally loved and lessons learned from him. I feel because I knew him I have been changed for good and in some small ways for the better. He deeply impacted me. I love you sujeet and I always will. I will never forget you and I hope you still remember me too. I hope though he loves his now wife at least I’m assuming he will always have a piece of his heart and soul staying with me. Love lasts for an eternity and even though it was over, at its essence it never dies. I still sing and hum the songs he sent me. I still have our conversations saved on WhatsApp. No matter how much time passes I will never forget the wonder he inspired in me. I wish we could have been like the song in Aladdin. A whole new world. I wish we could have shared the world together and made it ours. A whole new world for you and me.