I want you to know this 🌹
Losing you was the day I lost my childlike happiness.
I loved me because you loved me.
Without you sheltering me, as time passed, more and more people harmed me, called me all kinds of things, twisted truths and weaved plenty of lies, trying to escape admitting that they were collectively responsible for taking away innocent lives.
I grew to hate myself so deeply that there was no self left to hate. There is very little tribal hatred can do to someone who despises herself more than they ever could.
For a time, I borrowed that self-hatred as a weapon to protect others too. I never expected it, never sought it, but somewhere along the way I learned how to protect myself too. It was necessary. And now I no longer just take the hits. I speak for myself even if alone. I speak for myself so well.
I deserve my protection, I know that now.
People still try to hurt me in the same ways, for the same reasons..It is almost as if it is a script they all learned by heart to escape shame and guilt... Only the faces change, never the intent, never the choreography. Their malice is always repetitive, their words always recycled, their games unoriginal.
And I remain deliberate. Alone or with support, I remain for myself.
I do better now and I want you to know that. The person you loved still exist because I fight for her even when no one else would.
I loved me because you loved me.
Without you sheltering me, as time passed, more and more people harmed me, called me all kinds of things, twisted truths and weaved plenty of lies, trying to escape admitting that they were collectively responsible for taking away innocent lives.
I grew to hate myself so deeply that there was no self left to hate. There is very little tribal hatred can do to someone who despises herself more than they ever could.
For a time, I borrowed that self-hatred as a weapon to protect others too. I never expected it, never sought it, but somewhere along the way I learned how to protect myself too. It was necessary. And now I no longer just take the hits. I speak for myself even if alone. I speak for myself so well.
I deserve my protection, I know that now.
People still try to hurt me in the same ways, for the same reasons..It is almost as if it is a script they all learned by heart to escape shame and guilt... Only the faces change, never the intent, never the choreography. Their malice is always repetitive, their words always recycled, their games unoriginal.
And I remain deliberate. Alone or with support, I remain for myself.
I do better now and I want you to know that. The person you loved still exist because I fight for her even when no one else would.
