Why does love hurt at times and why do we let it?

Love hurts due to the risk of vulnerability and the intensity of our emotions, which can lead to disappointment, fear, and grief when things go wrong, a process that can even trigger physical pain centers in the brain. We let it hurt because love is deeply important to us, and the vulnerability it requires also opens us up to growth, intimacy, and connection, making the risk of pain worthwhile for the potential reward.

However, love's intensity is not a quantity that can be measured or priced, but rather a subjective experience with no fixed value; it can be an overwhelming feeling of passion or a quiet, consistent commitment, and its perceived value can change over time. While intensity is often seen as a positive sign, the ability to give love without expecting something in return is more important than measuring the strength of the feeling, and sustainable, long-term love is built more on consistent actions and shared experience than on fleeting, intense moments.

There is indeed no single answer to how many types of love exist, but a common framework from ancient Greek philosophy identifies eight types: eros (romantic love), philia (deep friendship), storge (familial love), ludus (playful love), pragma (enduring love), philautia (self-love), agape (unconditional love), and mania (obsessive love). Other models, such as C.S. Lewis's, categorize love into four types: affection, friendship, erotic love, and the love of God.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” (C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves)

One can become indeed very vulnerable in love by sharing insecurities, needs, and fears, which requires trust and a willingness to accept uncertainty and potential hurt. This emotional exposure is essential for deep intimacy, but it can also lead to defensive reactions if one feels threatened. To navigate this, it is crucial to build a foundation of trust, communicate honestly and kindly, and practice being generous and authentic, rather than hiding one's true self.

Turning onto the Bible, we can read in 1 Corinthians 13:

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."