How do you know if he’s even available? He might be married.

I read what you wrote, and I care enough to be honest with you, while also being gentle with your heart.

I’m going to say this with care because I can hear how strong your feelings are.

What you’re experiencing isn’t crazy—but it also isn’t really about him, the way it feels.

You’ve carried feelings for this man since you were a girl. That means what rushed back wasn’t just attraction—it was years of hope, imagination, and “what if” all coming alive in one moment. Anyone would feel overwhelmed by that. But here’s the part I don’t want you to miss:

You didn’t actually reconnect with him—you reconnected with a version of him you’ve held in your heart for years. And his response, while polite, was also clear. He didn’t move toward you emotionally—he stayed neutral. That doesn’t take away from your worth as a person. Your value isn’t defined by his response. It means this connection isn’t real in the present the way it feels inside.

And I’m a little concerned about something you said—you feel like you need him to give you closure. You don’t.

Waiting on him to define this, will keep you stuck in that limbo. The truth is, his actions already gave you an answer—even if it wasn’t the one you hoped for.

Also… going out and buying alcohol because of how intense this felt—that’s a sign the emotions are bigger than the situation itself. That’s worth paying attention to, not numbing.
You don’t need him to come closer. You need to come back to yourself. Because the part of you that wants to feel chosen, seen, and held—that’s real. But it deserves a relationship that actually exists in real life, not one that lives mostly in memory and imagination. You’re not foolish for feeling this, but from the outside, it looks like your feelings are deeper than the reality of the connection. It seems like you’re holding a lot more emotional investment than he is showing. I worry you’re carrying hope for something that isn’t being met on the other side.

If you ever want to understand what might be happening here emotionally, a book called Attached really helps understand patterns like this.

Maybe you should be telling him this.