Still in shock

Spent an odd day today did my best to
stay sane

slept to avoid the pain in head and
odd sensation in my chest

when i woke up it felt like i had no sleep

it was very hard to eat food chewing the same bite for so long even the water didnt help

felt like air is missing in my room

i know its true she is engaged to someone else but a part of me is still in shock

serveral times i slowed my breath down as its my way of holding myself

over the years i have learnt not to be loud with scream

today i miss my dad even though i do know we are not close

he is probably happy somewhere with his wife and other kids and i dont intend to bother

I remember last time i actually went after years he didnt even bother to meet maybe out of guilt or fear

odd man afraid to talk with his own son

i dont hate his wife or his other kids for taking him away

those kids are sorta siblings so hate n dislike is wrong

i always wonder why am i not like him
why i am able to feel so many emotions

he is alive and i am alive but we are so different at being alive

sometimes in life you need your dad
i am weak right now and i just need a pointless advice

i want him to know that i love someone more than i loved him

I do think about talking with mom but she always said love doesnt exist and dont fall in love

how do i apologize for falling in love and getting my heart this scar and for not listening to her

my mother is a good woman and she often prays for me mostly for happiness

my mom is still the emotional type it seems i inherited this nature from her

too bad she got enganged and missed the chance of meeting my mom