What is me?
Me is like so many others.
I have a lifetime of glorious and disasterous experiences that have molded how i am today.
Today im more selfish.
Quieter.
Today i have those annoyingly labled "boundaries" ....not that anyone really pays attention to them, except me.
But that's doable....its the self awareness of my reaction to them being crossed that counts the most.
...and not reacting.
Im aware that not everyone is aware of themselves.
I take lots of mental notes on stuff - hoping ill remember these notes for next time, or later.
Sometimes i do 🤟
Im calmer. Which is nice - less exhausting. But in a way i miss being, (the fun side of), 'exciteable' - it was very engaing and exciting.
Spontaneity can be freeing.
....it can also get you in a lot of shit😏
Im also learnig to keep my mouth shut..... but in a different way.
I used to go silent with 'sulleness and resentment'. Now its more, 'ugh, really? ... whatever'.
Sometimes its even silence coz of: 'god ur being such an ass - but im glad i can see that ur being an ass really has nothing to do with me'.
So im more content in my silence now.
Not that im quiet. I love to talk.
But im picky.
And i wont fight to be heard.
Im over that too.
What else?
Ive pulled in my wants.
I dont dream big desires any more.
its more about what makes me happy today.
-Just seems more doable and meaningful.
- ive started seeing a therapist. Only coz, its been a while and 'lets see'.
So far....i think shes a bit dumb and im controlling the narrative. But ill give her a shot.
She might suprise me.
If not - ill internally analyse her instead while i wait for her catch on😅
Work is great. Im a cleaner - bizarrely i love it.
Not ever my Life Choice - it just evolved into being my profession.
Besides the few controlling bitches at work....i genuinely enjoy what i do.
The kids at school are never boring.
My mind is allowed to be free while i work....and i crank up the music after hours.
Work is obscenely close to where i live .....so travel time is fucking brilliant.
Mind you - i miss long drives.
People-wise my life is now tiny. But it's more than enough. I love my me time....and want more.
Periodically im a social butterfly. But once ive butterflied for a bit i return to glorious hibernation🤗
I never sit elegantly
I still hear my mother's voice in my head - "stop fidgetting Jane! sit still Jane ! .. sit properly for heavens sake !" Put your feet down Jane!
- I didnt.
- i still don't.
....and i still dont know why thats a probelm to lots of people. Pfft🙄
I never seen no law on sitting a particular way😤
Jane isnt my name btw
I carry burdens and damage - like we all do. Its how we evolve.
I dont see these things as negative tho. I see them as 'shit to learn from'.
I still dislike the memory of them - but they give comparison to life now.
Times that i would of lamented stuff, i dont now. I see the gifts that I do have. Which is more than many.
I fully acknowledge that some of those things that happend aren't my fault, but then, some are - i allowed them to happen.
I also understand that i had more expectations of others than i did for myself .....which is a bit twisted.
I also acknowledge that if they didn't happen i wouldnt have learnt the shit that I now know about myself ....and people in general.
- as nice as it is blindly going around believing the best in people, is - its not really practical is it?
Some people truly are emotially stoopid.
And some are just natural cunts really🤷♀
I, like everyone else, GENUINELY feel that im deeply different to everyone - yet im logically aware that most likely im not.
Maybe everyone is different in the same ways, or the same in different ways?.....i dunno - still ruminating over that conundrum.
Anywho....must start peopling soon.
Dont really want to today.
Like most days.
But....once im in motion and in the thick of it....im sure i will enjoy it.
Find something good in today
💚🤗💜
I have a lifetime of glorious and disasterous experiences that have molded how i am today.
Today im more selfish.
Quieter.
Today i have those annoyingly labled "boundaries" ....not that anyone really pays attention to them, except me.
But that's doable....its the self awareness of my reaction to them being crossed that counts the most.
...and not reacting.
Im aware that not everyone is aware of themselves.
I take lots of mental notes on stuff - hoping ill remember these notes for next time, or later.
Sometimes i do 🤟
Im calmer. Which is nice - less exhausting. But in a way i miss being, (the fun side of), 'exciteable' - it was very engaing and exciting.
Spontaneity can be freeing.
....it can also get you in a lot of shit😏
Im also learnig to keep my mouth shut..... but in a different way.
I used to go silent with 'sulleness and resentment'. Now its more, 'ugh, really? ... whatever'.
Sometimes its even silence coz of: 'god ur being such an ass - but im glad i can see that ur being an ass really has nothing to do with me'.
So im more content in my silence now.
Not that im quiet. I love to talk.
But im picky.
And i wont fight to be heard.
Im over that too.
What else?
Ive pulled in my wants.
I dont dream big desires any more.
its more about what makes me happy today.
-Just seems more doable and meaningful.
- ive started seeing a therapist. Only coz, its been a while and 'lets see'.
So far....i think shes a bit dumb and im controlling the narrative. But ill give her a shot.
She might suprise me.
If not - ill internally analyse her instead while i wait for her catch on😅
Work is great. Im a cleaner - bizarrely i love it.
Not ever my Life Choice - it just evolved into being my profession.
Besides the few controlling bitches at work....i genuinely enjoy what i do.
The kids at school are never boring.
My mind is allowed to be free while i work....and i crank up the music after hours.
Work is obscenely close to where i live .....so travel time is fucking brilliant.
Mind you - i miss long drives.
People-wise my life is now tiny. But it's more than enough. I love my me time....and want more.
Periodically im a social butterfly. But once ive butterflied for a bit i return to glorious hibernation🤗
I never sit elegantly
I still hear my mother's voice in my head - "stop fidgetting Jane! sit still Jane ! .. sit properly for heavens sake !" Put your feet down Jane!
- I didnt.
- i still don't.
....and i still dont know why thats a probelm to lots of people. Pfft🙄
I never seen no law on sitting a particular way😤
Jane isnt my name btw
I carry burdens and damage - like we all do. Its how we evolve.
I dont see these things as negative tho. I see them as 'shit to learn from'.
I still dislike the memory of them - but they give comparison to life now.
Times that i would of lamented stuff, i dont now. I see the gifts that I do have. Which is more than many.
I fully acknowledge that some of those things that happend aren't my fault, but then, some are - i allowed them to happen.
I also understand that i had more expectations of others than i did for myself .....which is a bit twisted.
I also acknowledge that if they didn't happen i wouldnt have learnt the shit that I now know about myself ....and people in general.
- as nice as it is blindly going around believing the best in people, is - its not really practical is it?
Some people truly are emotially stoopid.
And some are just natural cunts really🤷♀
I, like everyone else, GENUINELY feel that im deeply different to everyone - yet im logically aware that most likely im not.
Maybe everyone is different in the same ways, or the same in different ways?.....i dunno - still ruminating over that conundrum.
Anywho....must start peopling soon.
Dont really want to today.
Like most days.
But....once im in motion and in the thick of it....im sure i will enjoy it.
Find something good in today
💚🤗💜
