Why I can’t find love…

I’m generous, genuine, sensitive, sensual, accepting and kind. I busted my ass to get where I am. It was never easy, but somehow, it has always been my nature to enjoy even the hard days. When I worked with a team, I nailed my job, pulled extra weight and was still the happiest, silliest one that kept people laughing. I care about lifting others up very deeply. I care about many things deeply.

I was raised in a family of (to compile their behavior in a few words) selfish, dishonest jerks. As much love as is always in my heart, there’s equal amounts of pain, courage and fight that nobody sees.

I don’t know what people see in me. I would rather their honesty, but often feel I’m the only human in existence to be honest enough with myself to not hurt others.

I have never attracted like minded people. As much as people have told me the endless bullshit about positivity and finding your tribe… I’m here to tell you if you are authentic and kind, you attract takers, users and liars.

I’m not going to stop caring. Not many people understand what I’ve been through and came out of still trying to be a light in others lives.

My outspokenness is unwanted, as is my heart. But what I’ve acquired in life is honest and stable, so I speak for my emotions. Not for attention, not for sympathy, for TRUTH. Because I know others are in pain too. I can FEEL it. If we could share, we could heal.

But the only people that worm their way in my life don’t care about me at all. I think they’re impressed and self righteous enough to believe they deserve what I worked for. I don’t just mean my financial stability, I mean the strength, the love, compassion and intimacy. I know I have a lot to offer.

I’d rather keep it to myself. My heart. I know how to keep it safe and I won’t settle. So nobody loves me. I don’t understand. But I also don’t need to. I’d rather loneliness destroy me, than someone else’s repressed bullshit.