Um, whoopsie daisy. It’s taken me years to reach this achievement.
Time to revisit some thoughts I probably don’t want to.
Keep the booze and forgiveness for being quick to emotions nearby. Have a feeling I’ll need both 🥂
46-50, F
Time to revisit some thoughts I probably don’t want to.
Keep the booze and forgiveness for being quick to emotions nearby. Have a feeling I’ll need both 🥂
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PerfectionOfTheHeart · 46-50, F
And with clicking on a random one, I’m done.
It is absolutely excruciating and life-draining to be going through everything I’m going through and not have a way to express my emotions in a place I deem safe and welcoming. To have to hold so much in all the time while I’m constantly given reminders…blatantly shown that none of these triggering events will lessen…that they’ll only become more damaging to what’s left of my spirit and heart that both die more every second I breathe the same air he does.
There’s no words for that as I’m forced to keep going, smiling, making no waves because it disrupts the life he wants to have right now. He wants a nice cushion for when I’m gone. Someone to comfort him and replace me. Will it be the person whose initials he has tattooed on his arm? Maybe, maybe not. Will it be the person who he sleeps in the nude for, only wearing a locked chain around his neck…the key to which he had me pick up stamps for yesterday so he could send it to them today. Perhaps. All I know is it’s confirmed that to someone I once called my love, I’ll be gone in more ways than physical. And thanks to his actions and repeated patterns knowing how much they hurt me, he continues to phase me out before I’m even gone…and I’m supposed to be okay with it because it’s easier.
I know I’m a strong person. I’ve shown it to myself, but how much poison can one person be subjected to before they completely shut down and basically die. How am I supposed to live…work a stressful job, run a household properly, fight cancer, be a yes person when my heart keeps getting broken over and over again every time I see that necklace around his neck or feel his bare skin against me at night in the bed I’m now repulsed by just so he can begin living and enjoying a life that’s not as heavy as one that involves me? Just don’t know when my life began to matter so little to someone who I loved more than anyone in this life.
There’s no answer, just as there are no words. This is simply Life I suppose. What a way to wrap up a final chapter though.
Yeah. I’m not going further down that rabbit hole tonight, if ever. It can remain a mental graveyard.
It is absolutely excruciating and life-draining to be going through everything I’m going through and not have a way to express my emotions in a place I deem safe and welcoming. To have to hold so much in all the time while I’m constantly given reminders…blatantly shown that none of these triggering events will lessen…that they’ll only become more damaging to what’s left of my spirit and heart that both die more every second I breathe the same air he does.
There’s no words for that as I’m forced to keep going, smiling, making no waves because it disrupts the life he wants to have right now. He wants a nice cushion for when I’m gone. Someone to comfort him and replace me. Will it be the person whose initials he has tattooed on his arm? Maybe, maybe not. Will it be the person who he sleeps in the nude for, only wearing a locked chain around his neck…the key to which he had me pick up stamps for yesterday so he could send it to them today. Perhaps. All I know is it’s confirmed that to someone I once called my love, I’ll be gone in more ways than physical. And thanks to his actions and repeated patterns knowing how much they hurt me, he continues to phase me out before I’m even gone…and I’m supposed to be okay with it because it’s easier.
I know I’m a strong person. I’ve shown it to myself, but how much poison can one person be subjected to before they completely shut down and basically die. How am I supposed to live…work a stressful job, run a household properly, fight cancer, be a yes person when my heart keeps getting broken over and over again every time I see that necklace around his neck or feel his bare skin against me at night in the bed I’m now repulsed by just so he can begin living and enjoying a life that’s not as heavy as one that involves me? Just don’t know when my life began to matter so little to someone who I loved more than anyone in this life.
There’s no answer, just as there are no words. This is simply Life I suppose. What a way to wrap up a final chapter though.
Yeah. I’m not going further down that rabbit hole tonight, if ever. It can remain a mental graveyard.
@PerfectionOfTheHeart 🫂 This struck me right in the chest.
PerfectionOfTheHeart · 46-50, F
@NudasPriest It’s still felt in mine, unfortunately. I’m trying to let it go just so it doesn’t grow into this monster I can’t control, but…yeah. It’s heavy. And I’m just going to forget I shared that simply due to how it may seep into others who might not be prepared for that kind of darkness. We’re instead going to focus on this little emoji 🫂 and the power it has.
@PerfectionOfTheHeart It's helping me see things I need to either face or move on from too. Thank you for always being so real, open, and thought provoking.
PerfectionOfTheHeart · 46-50, F
@NudasPriest I could say thank you for the same thing.
Something I’ve learned the older I’ve gotten is that not everything needs to be taken on, like at all. Some things can just lie where they are and are eventually starved of the attention and demand that your mind once gave them. You simply adapt to an existence without giving it attention and you find peace in letting yourself truly let it go. Not everything needs the attention…and I absolutely love that I finally realized that so I wasn’t held prisoner by tending to every little loose end my mind shoved in my face once upon a time.
Something I’ve learned the older I’ve gotten is that not everything needs to be taken on, like at all. Some things can just lie where they are and are eventually starved of the attention and demand that your mind once gave them. You simply adapt to an existence without giving it attention and you find peace in letting yourself truly let it go. Not everything needs the attention…and I absolutely love that I finally realized that so I wasn’t held prisoner by tending to every little loose end my mind shoved in my face once upon a time.
@PerfectionOfTheHeart This is the path to peace.