venty vent vent :(

i want to have visible scars so i feel a bit more appreciated but do i deserve being appreciated
by people

maybe if. my friends?
could be more fortunate than me
so i could collapse in my self pity

or even better
without pain

for if physical pain didn't exist
i would be ashes by now
lying and rotting in a jug
and maybe
you could put my self pity in that jug
it may overflow but you can hand the rest out to my friends
if you'd like of course.

i don't really care for other people
why should i care at this point
i crave love but i don't want it
and its not cos im some emotionless freak

because i do feel things
when i listen to music past 10pm

i wonder if my pen is sharp enough
my scars only last a bit anyways
and its not like they show up to the relevant people

i think
if i die when i turn responsible
its only one grain of sand on a beach
would i go out with a bang because
slow torture cant suffice
does hell exist?