Hidden sadness ,poor attempt at poetry

hidden sadness

I read the things you say to me
After I've written the things I need to write
The things I need to say
To see in print
To make them real
To get them out of here
Out into the light
Processed somehow
A drive to say them
See them said
Make it real somehow
You know, real
Not memories anymore
I want the memories to go away
And maybe, if I write them down
Maybe, if they're stuck there on the page
Maybe they'll be gone

But, no
It's when you say kind words to me
It's when you tell me that I didn't deserve those things
When you're nice to me
That I realize that he's still here
The little boy
Still here inside
Because I do not hear your words like a man
But feel them like a little boy
They hurt, your words not because they are unkind
Just the opposite
Your kind words go down deep inside to a place that I had covered up
A place that I had decided would never feel again
But when you say these things to me
You and others
I am the little boy
And you are the people -Who would find me lovable
Okay to love
Would maybe pick me up and hold me

It all goes by so quickly, the feelings
A flash
A pang of sadness
But in that instant, I understand it all
I feel it all
Again and again

I'm over this, I really am
As over this as you can get, I think
But the little boy
When will he heal?
When will he understand that he was always okay
Always lovable just as he was

And I always feel guilty for feeling sad
Feeling like I need the love
Afraid to ask for it
Afraid of being "needy"
But, see, the kid just doesn't know exactly what to do
Who to ask for love
He's 25 and 11 all at the same time
And so embarrassed to be who he is
Needy
Still hiding
Still waiting for those arms that will hold him while he cries
Until he falls asleep