I feel good again - My day made into story
Scene 1 - the man
Yesterday's night messages exchange with "my man" were brutal!
We were going on and on pushing each other's triggers until he said he'll block me if that goes on and how much dillusional I am, and all goodies.
I'm growing and it seems those are growing pains. I told him of how I am edging, how if I relax a little bit I am giving myself to potential abuse, how I consider it abuse even staying in the conversation and yet I stayed, because I was carrying a different awareness this time that previously. But I was still unsafe and I told him that.
A very typical scenario I'd say, he says I bring him insanity, weakness and I say he's bringing me unsafety, and a constant wish to overpower. It's typical and yet amusing, I was even crying at the end and was still okay doing that.
But huh, I wish we could relax in love, not necessarily romantic love, just love, you know. Understanding, sharing, compassion.
I love him but there is toxicity. He is not for me, yet he is. I enjoyed sharing myself in such depth, even if he runs away and it's a somewhat wounding experience but then also he stays, in this imperfect stance, and tries.
Maybe he doesn't want anymore of me.
Maybe, in time... maybe maybe. Maybe nothing and we will just move on, each with their life.
Scene 2 - the woman
The woman who invited me to work for the retreat here in Bali send me a voice message asking if we could organise something in Greece where she will be the main creator and I will be sharing my gifts like I did here in Bali.
This is another one very big one for me.
I responded how I feel ready to begin with my own creations. Actually after the retreat I felt strongly I would love to do my own thing and felt so inspired... But it felt tricky to explain it.
I got into doubting thoughts of again not being suitable /capable/equipped and all that well known symphony!!!
It felt tricky to communicate with her too. She's always make me feel very comfortable and welcome. I explained how I need to grow by myself and find my own strength.
How, later on, we could come into a co-creation. But I am not sure how she received this. Maybe she thinks I have a big ego - or maybe that is what I think. Part of the symphony!
She's still haven't said anything about it and it feels weird, like I cut off her wish and enthusiasm.
But I must honour my growth as well, I know of it. I am a strong creative and I do wish to be in charge of it and make my ideas come into life.
But I still felt a bit bad.
Scene 3 - the friend
I spoke with a friend briefly who, when I told him about those reminded me of how to follow what my heart wants is the most important thing.
Scene 4 - the work
Working on my online course makes me incredibly happy! Again, just like before in my previous physical course, I didn't know that this work would give me so much happiness.
I'm fully engaged and excited and already dreaming of future things!
I know, one day at a time.
Scene 5 - the papaya
I ate a whole papaya! A whole big papaya!!!
There is a wonderful storm outside.
I like it, despite I have spent lots of time with electronics.. It's okay.
I will meditate a little bit.
🥭✨
Yesterday's night messages exchange with "my man" were brutal!
We were going on and on pushing each other's triggers until he said he'll block me if that goes on and how much dillusional I am, and all goodies.
I'm growing and it seems those are growing pains. I told him of how I am edging, how if I relax a little bit I am giving myself to potential abuse, how I consider it abuse even staying in the conversation and yet I stayed, because I was carrying a different awareness this time that previously. But I was still unsafe and I told him that.
A very typical scenario I'd say, he says I bring him insanity, weakness and I say he's bringing me unsafety, and a constant wish to overpower. It's typical and yet amusing, I was even crying at the end and was still okay doing that.
But huh, I wish we could relax in love, not necessarily romantic love, just love, you know. Understanding, sharing, compassion.
I love him but there is toxicity. He is not for me, yet he is. I enjoyed sharing myself in such depth, even if he runs away and it's a somewhat wounding experience but then also he stays, in this imperfect stance, and tries.
Maybe he doesn't want anymore of me.
Maybe, in time... maybe maybe. Maybe nothing and we will just move on, each with their life.
Scene 2 - the woman
The woman who invited me to work for the retreat here in Bali send me a voice message asking if we could organise something in Greece where she will be the main creator and I will be sharing my gifts like I did here in Bali.
This is another one very big one for me.
I responded how I feel ready to begin with my own creations. Actually after the retreat I felt strongly I would love to do my own thing and felt so inspired... But it felt tricky to explain it.
I got into doubting thoughts of again not being suitable /capable/equipped and all that well known symphony!!!
It felt tricky to communicate with her too. She's always make me feel very comfortable and welcome. I explained how I need to grow by myself and find my own strength.
How, later on, we could come into a co-creation. But I am not sure how she received this. Maybe she thinks I have a big ego - or maybe that is what I think. Part of the symphony!
She's still haven't said anything about it and it feels weird, like I cut off her wish and enthusiasm.
But I must honour my growth as well, I know of it. I am a strong creative and I do wish to be in charge of it and make my ideas come into life.
But I still felt a bit bad.
Scene 3 - the friend
I spoke with a friend briefly who, when I told him about those reminded me of how to follow what my heart wants is the most important thing.
Scene 4 - the work
Working on my online course makes me incredibly happy! Again, just like before in my previous physical course, I didn't know that this work would give me so much happiness.
I'm fully engaged and excited and already dreaming of future things!
I know, one day at a time.
Scene 5 - the papaya
I ate a whole papaya! A whole big papaya!!!
There is a wonderful storm outside.
I like it, despite I have spent lots of time with electronics.. It's okay.
I will meditate a little bit.
🥭✨
