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My soul, heart and mind

My mind is constantly reminding me of all the things I have done and making me question everything. It's making me question my existence. Do I really exist? Or am I living one of those extremely vivid and reality like dream? Am I a lost soul wandering around this world trying to find peace? Are all of my memories just fever dreams and things my heart wanted to do before I died but never got the chance? It's hard for me to process that I am real and actually living in this world. This world is so corrupted and suffocating that I can't stand the fact it's real. My mind is hating every bit of this world whilst my soul is craving it. My soul is craving life in this world. It thirsts for having a family of my own. It thirsts for having children and a loving husband. My soul doesn't see any other way of life. It doesn't see any other purpose. My heart pumps blood and is keeping me alive only for me to become a religion teacher. How my heart thirsts for it, it's craving that job. My heart is screaming at me for all eternity to be a religion teacher. It screams at me to give my everything to God, stop worrying and let Him lead me. But my mind is yelling at me to do everything by myself and trust nobody. I am envious of people who have their life put together and easily trust others. I don't feel hatred towards them but I feel strong and never ending jelaousy. I want to be them so bad that I lose my true self every time I'm around them. In fact, I no longer know who I am at all. My mind tells me I'm a cold monster, my soul tells me I'm a warm and loving person that just wants a family and my heart tells me my only purpose is helping students find God and save themselves through Him. I don't know what to follow. Should I follow my soul? Should I follow my mind? Should I follow my heart? I hope that one day I will figure it out.

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