if you ever wondered what's it like being an artist, ....

Last month remember I was picking up plastic bottles to get some coins and buy myself some food....
And now I am buying subscription for my online site,

Freedom is scary.

I am trying as I am growing to gain more consistency and safety for myself, stability.

But, truly, I might not make it. But I owe it to myself to at least do my best and give it a try and my focus, for as long as I am going to manage.

The thing is, as I know of myself, many times in Life, I am wiping out everything I own, I am, or I do, and I need to do that with absolute conviction, not just like, take a break, but I need to erase my identity in order to unlearn and relearn, it is like upgrading a computer, or perhaps sometimes, even like getting a new device and a new IP, a new contact list, email everything.

I do not keep people in my Life. That is SO FUCKIN HARD to explain to people. They are getting hurt and I am getting hurt of course, because it is not that I have no feelings, I too long to hold onto - but freedom has to be first.

The moment I feel another is clinging upon me, for whatever the reason, I am making myself clear of how, this can't be for long. It is my nature. It is very very hard to live with that nature. But it is also very refreshing, quiet, beautiful!!!!

I have free space to appreciate everything.

That being said, I would love to have a partner and some friends, but at this point I am realizing how they HAVE TO BE in this lane, in this mindset, in this very same wish and longing for freedom, and to not imply and project upon me their abandonment wounds, but to rather be holding the capacity to hold me, but to hold me in freedom.

Had to write it. I'm writing a little too much lately.