Freedom hasn’t taken her seat in the comfy chair yet
Well it’s been a month now since parting ways with someone I had to distance myself from
They came by for more of their belongings recently and it made me feel muddled up tbh
Over tired and still trying to cope with feelings that are new to me I took a breath and made us both some coffee in the kitchen downstairs while they packed their items into another box
Dunno I felt anxious that’s for sure … all other emotions are still trying to find their way back to a peaceful place.. exercise and nutritious meals help … meeting up with an old time friend made a difference.. still , I kept a lot of feelings to myself much like I do here because that’s just the way I roll, I’ve never been one for going into great explicit detail about things that have come to pass
What’s the point ? … it’s over with yet I write … I keep a journal and share my deep feelings on there then delete everything back to its typed starting point .
Aye if only we had a crystal ball that showed us where our futures were headed eh ,but even then I wouldn’t want to know
My house is clean and everything is in its place … mindful of not entering an obsessive ocd stage , it’s lovely and fresh … scents of morning pine and jasmine fill the air and disinfectant makes floors and surfaces sparkle
It’s comforting… almost military and perhaps that resonates from my Dad being in the royal airforce or perhaps it’s from my Nanna’s influence of her time as a land girl in WW2
Not sure … but all i know is what they experienced and how their own personal stories still shape and influence me to this day re how I cope with stuff life decides to throw at me
Aye aye captain’
I’m too old to be young , too young to be old so starting this new life isn’t something I’m used to yet
I have flashbacks to what I felt when viscous words were said … yelled at me
I feel shame when I’m wearing certain clothing like a nightdress … ( that happened during the pandemic) , I wore a pink and white nightdress with flowers all over it … my hair down and making myself at home I wandered around in it often at that time for there was no where to go … the world being in lockdown n all then one morning there it was , a torrent of unwarranted verbal poison
“Look at you in that nightdress… how pathetic you are , you are nothing special … you are ( too explicit to repeat ) and so on
I wanted to leave and go away as far as I could even being homeless seemed like a better way of life
I could go on because even now as I’m writing this I’m remembering and yet it’s different now , I’m enjoying a cup of coffee , my home is so quiet… I can hear the birds chirping and morning light is breaking through the grey think clouds
I could cry
Not from previous feelings but from this
This right here
Safety , comfort … my hair down , coffee … my fur baby purring after her morning meal and play
Simple pleasures I can actually enjoy without being emotionally down trodded on
Things are so different now , a feeling like I’ve never experienced before
I’m fragile , vulnerable but I’m confident too because I’m moving on to pastures new
No life is easy … we all have our own story , still being written by things that are quite frankly out of our hands
That’s why it’s important that I trust this process … I keep believing in myself and the good in people or I’ll shut down all together and that wouldn’t be something I deserve, not after all this … what’s been
The person I have separated from is moving on with their life too … like they did nothing wrong at all and of course they will never take accountability for their behaviour etc but they are not my problem anymore not that how they chose to behave ever was ..
At least when we look back we will know that we tried . There’s no shame in loving someone , we all have flaws it just reached a point in time when I knew I had to let them go because they crossed personal boundaries too often. They chose this … I wish em well ~ time to move on indeed 🦜 @Justafantasy
@ThreeLittleBirds other day I got told "I will always love you". I asked them to stop doing that as it's a crock of hot steaming 💩
From the same person who told me "I don't find you attractive anymore". "you need to be more of a man" "I'm to busy for you" "you need to be a better provider" "how can you be satisfied with what you're doing" "you need better goals" all fairly regularly.
This shit will hurt and you probably won't like the reaction you get eventually
I always back the underdog in the ring bc it’s comes from a whole other place from inside of them , the other opponent is just a self entitled brat lol 😘😌💐@Justafantasy
I’m sorry 😔 it’s not easy, I think we can fear the future when the path looks so vast ahead, being alone again and the not knowing what’s ahead, like all your plans have gone, you grieve the past and future.
