Today I went for a walk and then dinner with the women from the retreat
But without the 2 main leaders.
I am not sure it was the right thing to do.
Although all things happening are right in a way.
So it felt like they all gravitated towards me, telling me how they really enjoyed my art workshops but they didn't get the point of the rest of the classes... Undermining subtly the organisers. Despite I made sure to support the vision of the organisers, I too tried to make them feel heard and validated. That was a pretty acrobatic terrain over there.
I felt good, we had a good time but I wonder if I did the right thing to join them. It was good, humane, we bonded... But I felt strange, then looking at the posts in the social media of the organisers, I saw them differently this time, my perception has changed, and I felt like I didn't belong in the team. I felt like that multiple times during the retreat but since belonging isn't my best card, I let the thought slip many times.
I still got a bit uncomfortable and sad, because the two women organisers have a strong bond between them and I more often than not felt like I was put in the position of the unequiped for the job.
Again I'm aware how the "I'm not good enough" is such a theme...
I just wish I could rest in feeling appreciated but I am feeling weird right now.
I'm aware more than ever of how our narrative is creating a very very different reality.... But my experience of the moment is this.
I need some sleep.
I am not sure it was the right thing to do.
Although all things happening are right in a way.
So it felt like they all gravitated towards me, telling me how they really enjoyed my art workshops but they didn't get the point of the rest of the classes... Undermining subtly the organisers. Despite I made sure to support the vision of the organisers, I too tried to make them feel heard and validated. That was a pretty acrobatic terrain over there.
I felt good, we had a good time but I wonder if I did the right thing to join them. It was good, humane, we bonded... But I felt strange, then looking at the posts in the social media of the organisers, I saw them differently this time, my perception has changed, and I felt like I didn't belong in the team. I felt like that multiple times during the retreat but since belonging isn't my best card, I let the thought slip many times.
I still got a bit uncomfortable and sad, because the two women organisers have a strong bond between them and I more often than not felt like I was put in the position of the unequiped for the job.
Again I'm aware how the "I'm not good enough" is such a theme...
I just wish I could rest in feeling appreciated but I am feeling weird right now.
I'm aware more than ever of how our narrative is creating a very very different reality.... But my experience of the moment is this.
I need some sleep.
