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Mildly AdultUpset
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March 6th, 2023

sorry for writing again.

i am feeling very bad about myself right now.
i have this kind of thing that i just can’t sleep at night. i just feel like night is the only time when nobody can burgle into my room, wanting something from me. my parents are upset with me ever since the school year started.
actually, they started to “treat me like an adult” which means talking me how bad i did at school, how they’re not satisfied with anything i have been doing and basically it always feels as if the one parent was talking bad things about the other one behind their backs.
which makes me feel like i had to pick sides.

my room’s a mess for a few months now and whenever my dad comes in he tells me how dirty it is. i wish i had the motivation to do something about it. i know i can, i know i have time, but somehow i am always too tired to do something about it.

i want to be silly.
silly people are so fun and happy. at least in my opinion.
the whole word silly is so idk silly?
i want to be happy about small things, but i am too picky. i hate it. i hate the fact i can’t be happy about small things like a hello from my neighbor. i just don’t appreciate that.

i want to lose myself in happiness.
i don’t want to think for a second.

a while ago i wanted to see some kind of doctor, therapist?
but my parents doesn’t really seem to believe / be convinced with doctors.
actually, when i broke down in front of my mom some time ago i just couldn’t find the words.
she just makes me voiceless. i simply can’t explain my feelings to her in any way an when i am trying it comes out so pathetic and embarrassing and cringy i want to disappear.
then, she told me i was crazy and that i am making things up.

i am praying someone is reading to this part rn and if you can just write something in the comment. like please, it can be your happiest memory, your day, your appearance, your favorite color, anything.
sounds like you're going through a lot. i think when you're able to move away from your parents you'll feel wayy better. hold on until then

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