The speed of lonliness
I guess I never really realized until just the other day how alone I feel even in a crowd of people. I travel a lot. My home life sucks really....it's not terrible, but I feel alone there too. Something happened that made it pretty plain that maybe the problem is me. I am stuck in rut. I don't complain and just take things as they come. Like many, I wait for others to reach out and then my response is probably less than satisfactory, or they just plain don't reach out. When I am traveling, even in a group, I tend to keep to myself.
The other night, I was way out of town and could not sleep in my hotel room. I had not really eaten anything and decided to try and find an all-night cafe and get a bite to eat. It was almost 2AM on a Wednesday night, so not exactly a busy evening. As I sat at the counter and ate my meal, a young lady came in. I really didn't notice until she sat down at the counter a couple seats down from me that she was disheveled, but dressed to kill. As I glanced over at her, she looked at me and said hello. I nodded to her and went back to my meal. She got my attention by asking if I wanted some company. "Why not?" I said and she moved down to a chair next to mine. She had not ordered anything and the waitress came over and asked what she could get her. I didn't notice at first that the waitress had a bit of a disgusted look on her face. The gal asked for a glass of water and nothing else.
It occurred to me that this gal maybe didn't have any money, so I asked her if she was hungry and wanted something to eat. She looked at me with a very sad look and said she didn't have enough to buy anything. I told her I would cover it, joking that "us late nighters have to stick together." I honestly don't remember what she ordered, but she cheered up a bit as he ate and began asking questions. Why are you out so late? Where do you live? What do you do? I explained that I was traveling on business and staying at a hotel about 3 blocks down the street and I returned the questions.
Again oblivious to her response, "I'm just getting done with work, It's been really slow and I live around here."
I finished my meal, paid for both hers and mine tipped the waitress (who I am sure was rolling her eyes at me) and got up to leave. "Nice to meet you," I said and headed for the door. I was about a block away, walking back to the hotel when she rushed up beside me. She thanked me for the meal and asked me if I wanted some company. Again, oblivious to what was going on, I told her, I think I can get to sleep now, so thanks, but no. She looked a little deflated and sat down on a bench. I continued on to my hotel and crawled in bed. I still couldn't sleep.
Just before dawn I snapped awake and realized what the gals "work" was. As I lay there awake, I suddenly had a longing for some affection. Something I have been missing in my life literally for years. How could I have been so stupid? I spent the next evening driving up and down the streets looking for her out of some fantasy that maybe I could help her and she would have a genuine interest in me for helping her and maybe I could finally get some of the genuine affection that I am craving.
I never saw her again. Probably for the best, but it certainly opened up my eyes to the fact that I need a change.
The other night, I was way out of town and could not sleep in my hotel room. I had not really eaten anything and decided to try and find an all-night cafe and get a bite to eat. It was almost 2AM on a Wednesday night, so not exactly a busy evening. As I sat at the counter and ate my meal, a young lady came in. I really didn't notice until she sat down at the counter a couple seats down from me that she was disheveled, but dressed to kill. As I glanced over at her, she looked at me and said hello. I nodded to her and went back to my meal. She got my attention by asking if I wanted some company. "Why not?" I said and she moved down to a chair next to mine. She had not ordered anything and the waitress came over and asked what she could get her. I didn't notice at first that the waitress had a bit of a disgusted look on her face. The gal asked for a glass of water and nothing else.
It occurred to me that this gal maybe didn't have any money, so I asked her if she was hungry and wanted something to eat. She looked at me with a very sad look and said she didn't have enough to buy anything. I told her I would cover it, joking that "us late nighters have to stick together." I honestly don't remember what she ordered, but she cheered up a bit as he ate and began asking questions. Why are you out so late? Where do you live? What do you do? I explained that I was traveling on business and staying at a hotel about 3 blocks down the street and I returned the questions.
Again oblivious to her response, "I'm just getting done with work, It's been really slow and I live around here."
I finished my meal, paid for both hers and mine tipped the waitress (who I am sure was rolling her eyes at me) and got up to leave. "Nice to meet you," I said and headed for the door. I was about a block away, walking back to the hotel when she rushed up beside me. She thanked me for the meal and asked me if I wanted some company. Again, oblivious to what was going on, I told her, I think I can get to sleep now, so thanks, but no. She looked a little deflated and sat down on a bench. I continued on to my hotel and crawled in bed. I still couldn't sleep.
Just before dawn I snapped awake and realized what the gals "work" was. As I lay there awake, I suddenly had a longing for some affection. Something I have been missing in my life literally for years. How could I have been so stupid? I spent the next evening driving up and down the streets looking for her out of some fantasy that maybe I could help her and she would have a genuine interest in me for helping her and maybe I could finally get some of the genuine affection that I am craving.
I never saw her again. Probably for the best, but it certainly opened up my eyes to the fact that I need a change.
