I hope this feeling lasts
My feelings and perspective on the future just keep changing.. When I was in Canada, I was sort of having second thoughts about this move. I say sort of because I knew deep down that I was going to make the move either way - it is just that I reached a point where i invested so much in this plan, and I am not talking just about money here, that it would just be inefficient if I don't give it a try - But I was still not feeling very good about it.. I was in a weird state of loneliness and sadness though.
Now that I am back, my enthusiasm is back as before, maybe even more!! I am not sure why. My life here doesn't suck that much, especially recently after I moved out, and I can breathe more, and have more freedom, generally speaking (not the same freedom I had in Canada though). My life before sucked too much because I was living with my family where I felt controlled and had no private space whatsoever.. So I would have understood my feelings better if I was still living there, and after I came back to that sick environment (it was really sick and mentally draining), that I would feel the enthusiasm again.
But now, it is not the case..
Yet, having come back here, I am now in my "usual" state of mind, not feeling too lonely/vulnerable/strange/or sad like I was in Canada, and I feel good about the move, in fact, I want to do it, and I don't want to have it postponed.
Before my trip to Canada, while I was enthusiastic about the move, I was still feeling down and insecure about having to do the job hunting.. I was sort of lacking ambition and energy, which is very unlike me. I've been always very ambitious and competitive, but I think I lacked it mainly because I have been in a work environment that is not challenging for a while now, unlike my previous jobs.. So it sort of put me in a comfort zone and affected my energy.
But even that changed now that I am back.. I sort of feel energetic about brushing up on my skills to get them sharp, and I feel excited about looking for a new opportunity, maybe even in fields that are slightly different from what I used to do, since I will be starting from scratch anyway, so I may as well take this opportunity to make some change.. I know I said I wanted to settle in Ottawa, but I think I will target both Toronto and Ottawa, and wherever I see more or better opportunities, I will probably make my move there..
I could only hope I maintain this positive and energetic outlook until the end of this year, because I need to work throughout the coming months on learning/reviewing/understanding/planning etc. and I also need to be positive and strong by the end of this year, because it is when I will have to start handing out notices to different people...
I also hope that when I make my move, I don't feel as strange/lonely/and sad. Maybe it is good that I got the shock split since I made a trip there before leaving for good. Maybe it will also feel different to settle down and not just be on vacation. I think part of it was that i was living in hotels/airbnbs, and I just like to have my indoors space, it gives me a sense of security and stability.. I like to cook and enjoy meals indoors.. So yea this can be part of it.. I will also not have the pressure of making the decision of the move, which was ruining a lot of my time when I was on the trip.. So yea, I might have less extreme feelings, but Idk..
It is big, but I feel good. I hope this feeling lasts.
Now that I am back, my enthusiasm is back as before, maybe even more!! I am not sure why. My life here doesn't suck that much, especially recently after I moved out, and I can breathe more, and have more freedom, generally speaking (not the same freedom I had in Canada though). My life before sucked too much because I was living with my family where I felt controlled and had no private space whatsoever.. So I would have understood my feelings better if I was still living there, and after I came back to that sick environment (it was really sick and mentally draining), that I would feel the enthusiasm again.
But now, it is not the case..
Yet, having come back here, I am now in my "usual" state of mind, not feeling too lonely/vulnerable/strange/or sad like I was in Canada, and I feel good about the move, in fact, I want to do it, and I don't want to have it postponed.
Before my trip to Canada, while I was enthusiastic about the move, I was still feeling down and insecure about having to do the job hunting.. I was sort of lacking ambition and energy, which is very unlike me. I've been always very ambitious and competitive, but I think I lacked it mainly because I have been in a work environment that is not challenging for a while now, unlike my previous jobs.. So it sort of put me in a comfort zone and affected my energy.
But even that changed now that I am back.. I sort of feel energetic about brushing up on my skills to get them sharp, and I feel excited about looking for a new opportunity, maybe even in fields that are slightly different from what I used to do, since I will be starting from scratch anyway, so I may as well take this opportunity to make some change.. I know I said I wanted to settle in Ottawa, but I think I will target both Toronto and Ottawa, and wherever I see more or better opportunities, I will probably make my move there..
I could only hope I maintain this positive and energetic outlook until the end of this year, because I need to work throughout the coming months on learning/reviewing/understanding/planning etc. and I also need to be positive and strong by the end of this year, because it is when I will have to start handing out notices to different people...
I also hope that when I make my move, I don't feel as strange/lonely/and sad. Maybe it is good that I got the shock split since I made a trip there before leaving for good. Maybe it will also feel different to settle down and not just be on vacation. I think part of it was that i was living in hotels/airbnbs, and I just like to have my indoors space, it gives me a sense of security and stability.. I like to cook and enjoy meals indoors.. So yea this can be part of it.. I will also not have the pressure of making the decision of the move, which was ruining a lot of my time when I was on the trip.. So yea, I might have less extreme feelings, but Idk..
It is big, but I feel good. I hope this feeling lasts.
31-35, F
